All Welcome in Heaven?

 

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? The people in Hollywood made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little more challenging. "How many people died on that ship?" he asked.

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1,228."

"That's right!  You may enter."

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

She's Very Expensive

 

The madam opened the door in an exclusive New York City brothel and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed and good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.  Without hesitation, the man pulled out $10,000 in cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.  Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.  There were no discounts.  The price was still $10,000.

Again, the man pulled the money out of his briefcase, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.  After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.  Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Pittsburgh.”

"Really", she said. "I have family in Pittsburgh."

"I know," the man said.  "Your sister died, and I'm her lawyer.  I was instructed to deliver your $30,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1.      Death

2.      Taxes

3.      Being screwed by a lawyer

Best Divorce Lawyers in Town

Good News & Bad News

A lawyer says to the wealthy Senator from Illinois, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The Senator replies, “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says, “Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she feels are worth a minimum of $2 to 3 million dollars.”

The Senator replies enthusiastically, “Well done. That’s very good news indeed! You’ve made my day.  Now, what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Attorney/Client

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________


One more...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Help the United Way

The United Way realized that it had never received a Donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our Research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's' husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

Finishing, the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Chief Justice Rehnquist

To prove that truth is funnier than fiction, we offer these remarks made by the late Chief Justice, William Rehnquist while making an address at the University of Virginia …

"In the past, when I've talked to audiences like this, I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realized that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes."

Two in One?

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

The child answers, "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Albert Meets His Roomies

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory," says St. Peter. "We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others."

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.

St. Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.

"I'm your last roommate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, which Law school did you attend?"

Depressed Lawyer

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wil Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, Do you know what time it is? Where have you been? and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"

Hookup in a Bar

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a barstool.

He walks up behind her and says "Hi. How are you doing?"

Already having had a few drinks she turns around, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anyone, anywhere, anytime, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"

Question of the Day

The question of the day ……

QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

ANSWER: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Can You Help?

A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer.

"Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?"

"Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking.

The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly.

He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations. "I'm not sure", he finally offers, "It might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure."

Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer.

The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discreetly signaling her to wait. When the accountant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "How much do you want it to be?"

Screw Her !

Two lawyers, Carl and Steve, decided to take their vacation together and went on a small, private plane to visit Paris for a time. There was a terrible storm, and the plane went down into the Atlantic Ocean.

Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few banana trees and a few coconut trees, and they were stranded for several months with only bananas and coconuts to live on.

Each day, they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a ship out there to rescue them.

One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber raft! And it's headed this way!"

Steve called up, "Is there anyone in it?"

"No... oh... wait! YES! It's a beautiful blonde woman! And she's naked!"

The rubber raft finally reached the tiny island, and the woman was alive, but unconscious.

They pulled her up onto the beach, and Carl said, "It's been a real long time... do you think we could... you know... screw her?"

Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft!"

Ask a Silly Question ...

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

Good News and Bad News

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180.”

A.H.

A local deputy stopped a man for rolling through the 4 way stop in
his Mercedes convertible.

Apparently the motorist was a real jerk who jumped out and came
running back to the officer. The violator demanded to know why he
was being harassed by the "Gestapo!" So the officer calmly told him
of the stop sign violation.

The "Motorist" ... a Desert Mountain resident and former CEO of a
good sized public company, instantly went into a tirade, questioning
the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit
terms. The officer, being a professional, apparently took it all in
stride, and calmly wrote the ticket.

The tirade went on without the cop saying anything. When he finished
writing the citation he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation and handed it to the "Violator" for
his signature.

The guy signed the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when
presented with his copy he pointed to the "AH" and demanded to
know what it stood for.

The officer then removed his mirrored sunglasses, got in the middle
of the guy's face and slowly said, in his best Clint Eastwood / Dirty
Harry impression, "That's so .... when we go to court... I'll remember
that you're an "ASSHOLE !"

Three months later they were in court. The "Violator" had such a bad
record that he was about to lose his license and so he had hired an
attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testified to
seeing the man run the stop sign. Under cross-examination, the
defense attorney asked, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of
the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responded, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Attorney then asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking
or notation on this citation?

The Officer responded, "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the
narrative there is an ''AH.''

The Attorney asked, "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

The Officer responded, "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

The Attorney looked puzzled and questioned him further and said,
"Aggressive and Hostile?"

The Officer replied, "Yes, Sir?

The Attorney paused and said, "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand
For … ASSHOLE?"

The Officer smiled and said, "Well, Sir … you probably know your
client better than I do!"

Who will live?

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

Frivolous Lawsuits By Jailbirds

Just in case you think we don't bend over backwards to protect the "rights" of our criminal population, just read these:

Frivolous Lawsuits By Jailbirds



America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and cause himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence'".


Remember the phrase, "your tax dollars at work!"

Jury Duty

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way in hell could I do that!!". The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.

"Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor...

Well, I thought I things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I move my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in Circumstantial Evidence.