Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
July 27, 2024
June 12, 2023
March 24, 2020
July 24, 2009
March 29, 2009
February 05, 2009
April 27, 2008
I am, of course, Superior ...
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
April 06, 2008
Take Your Daughter to Work
A man comes home with his little daughter whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
March 22, 2008
Training Program
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee"
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to cleanup, disappear for rest of day."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to cleanup, disappear for rest of day."
January 11, 2008
Learning to be Postal
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, " Why yes. In fact I served two terms in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, “That works in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, but I want you to know that it doesn't affect my ability to work."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, and all that, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come in about 10 and we'll get you started."
The vet asks, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"
"Well, here at the Post Office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that."
The guy says, " Why yes. In fact I served two terms in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, “That works in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, but I want you to know that it doesn't affect my ability to work."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, and all that, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come in about 10 and we'll get you started."
The vet asks, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"
"Well, here at the Post Office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that."
December 13, 2007
Open the Damned Account
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damned checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Bank." the teller said and left her window. She went over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damned checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Bank." the teller said and left her window. She went over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damned checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
December 02, 2007
Quit Advertising
A well-stacked young advertising assistant wore tight knit
dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she
walked.
Her boss, a man of 60 who had been with the firm for a long
time motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the
door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is
that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing brightly.
Before she could say “harassment lawsuit,” the told her quietly,
"Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she
walked.
Her boss, a man of 60 who had been with the firm for a long
time motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the
door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is
that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing brightly.
Before she could say “harassment lawsuit,” the told her quietly,
"Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
November 07, 2007
Going home early
Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead announced that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead announced that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
October 25, 2007
Cannibals at wok
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "Four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed a thing. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually works around here."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "Four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed a thing. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually works around here."
October 24, 2007
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