Grumpy Old Man's Shirt

Easy To Beat...

USO Tour

The showgirls had entertained the troops all afternoon at a remote army base. After the performance, the major asked, "Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers?"

"It doesn't matter," one bold girl replied. "But we would like something to eat first."

Have You Seen the Latest Stealth Bomber?

It's so 'stealthy it can be difficult to see!

Martial Arts?

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He said, "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?”
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!”

On Board ...

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral.  After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

The speaker addressed the men asking, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy …

Thoughtful Sniper

A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when the bad guy stood up to reply ... BANG! ... one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask, "How many insurgents have you shot today?" and the soldier will pass on the count. However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed the sniper reported, "Five killed and I let one go."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Bastard!’ Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Nancy Pelosi is a Bitch!' And, I’m sorry sir, but I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

The French

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion.

The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.

Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, Chirac. He stands still and Europe revolves around him.

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Frenchman In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.

Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered?
A: Table for one hundred thousand, sir?

Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.

Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
A: To improve their breath.

Secret Weapon

The US Army has a new secret weapon ...

Harry Potter has enlisted !

Keen Eye

The US Military has begun assigning dogs to all snipers in the field

Because of their keen eyesight

Understanding the Military

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Squared-Away Marine

There was a Marine deployed in Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up. And not only that ... she wanted the picture of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He mailed about 25 pictures of naked women to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

That's Not It

A General noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the General arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it!"

Suicide Hotline

I was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline, the
local Suicide Hotline.

The number I dialed connected me to a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

Letter From a Marine

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Banners

Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells
him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see
America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a
banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.

Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was
more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on
each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says.

Bush replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew!”

Dying of thirst

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I am dying of thirst. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

72 Virgins?

It was just announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces, as most people already know...

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Last Wish

Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts, and a US Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job "til the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the Chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the jarhead.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he grabbed his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal Assholes call ME the aggressor?"