Inspirational

 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal and the man who owns the business gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look. One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The Director arrogantly asks, “Why are you so interested in that topic?” 

“I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine guy says, "And I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market.” 
 
“What is your name?” asks the Director. 
  
John H. Smith,” the man says. 
 
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?” 
 
“Certainly,” answers the Customer Service Manager. He is a highly esteemed customer. He has over a million dollars in his account. 

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine guy and says, “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you. 

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members, “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner, but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life and I am sure we can learn from him. 

Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering  around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for a dollar and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire. I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. 

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars. 
 

 

Story With A Moral

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way, they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other, and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way, they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is… Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

A Lone Ranger Quiz

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.  Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment and then says, "Tonto, you dumb-ass. Someone has stolen our tent."

That's Really Big!

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.  He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am … how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!”

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am.  I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths.  Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am. I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma'am.  I already know what it is. And the answer is ... four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “From the floor ma'am … From the floor.”

Family Tradition

 

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers because his father had been Airborne.  He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.  The next day he phoned his father to tell him about his experience.

 

"So, how was your 1st jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane."

I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, so then you jumped?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"A little, at first ...

 

 

 

A Story of Newlyweds

John and Nancy had just flown to their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach in Florida. They found their hotel room but decided to refresh themselves with a dip in the hotel pool.

Nancy must have dropped a few pounds due to the pre-wedding jitters, because each time she dove into the pool, she lost either the top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini. They had the pool to themselves, so they just laughed and retrieved the pieces, having fun as newlyweds would do.

Later they dressed for dinner and went down to the hotel restaurant.   Waiting for a table in the dining room they sat in the lounge with all the other guests and ordered drinks.   The bartender was exceptionally nice and was quite attentive to Nancy.

Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank. Curious, John asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?"

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he glanced at Nancy and replied, "That's not a fish tank … it's the swimming pool."

Listening at the Airport ...

This past week we spent some time in airports … just standing around waiting for a flight and waiting to be jammed into a sardine can for a couple of hours at a time. We spent some time listening in on other people’s conversations and picked up these gems …

A mother to her son …

You are NOT stupid. I just think that sometimes you have bad luck when thinking.


Two women talking …

I hate it when people say, “He’s a nice person once you get to know him. They might as well just say, he’s a total ass-wipe, but you’ll get used to it.


Two men having a political argument …

I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument that you are making.


One salesman to another …

My nickname is Laxative … I make shit happen!


A man to his wife …

I am NOT an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
I’m a drunk … we go to parties.


One flight attendant to another while waiting for their flight …

I want to like people, really I do … But they are just so damned stupid!


Eavesdropping can be fun and enlightening …

Advice from my broker ...

I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are going to be rising as they did during the late 70's early 80's.

I told him I thought we ought to be looking into getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest. I asked if we should move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?

He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer ... canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

Just thought I'd pass that along today.

9 Months After the Ski Trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Kevin. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm they were driving past. They found an attractive lady who answered the door and asked if they could spend the night.

“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Kevin and asked, “Kevin, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”

“Sure, I do.” said Kevin.

“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, yes!” Kevin said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Kevin's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“Because she just died and left me everything.”

Careless Companion

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “The restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he said.

I was impressed.

Later I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out ... how do you put it back without touching it?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others … but I use the spoon.”

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

The pirate nodded and replied, "It was my first day with the hook."

Wonderful Afterlife

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

“Honey!” said the psychic. “You will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.”

Gwen left very happy and excited. As she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die the sooner my next life begins."

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly, Gwen didn't die.

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings.

Feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said, "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!”

A Cowboy in Heaven

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and I yelled … Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?

The cowboy leaned over, spit and said, “Couple of minutes ago.”

Very, Very Slowly ...

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales ...

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr-Gurrr-King."

Losing a Friend ...

THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY ABOUT LIFE & DEATH
AND THE FRIENDS THAT WE HAVE.

IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR UP YOUR HEART and TOUCH YOUR SOUL ...

THIS IS A MESSAGE THAT HAD TO SHARED WITH MY FRIENDS.

I'M STILL CHOKED UP OVER IT!

May I help you?

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

Parking Lot Scam

As a public service we pass on the following piece submitted by a reader somewhere east of Seattle. He gave us this “heads up” to a scam he discovered near his home. It is probably a Christmas parking lot scam ...

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here'show the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 23-24 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th and 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

Ammo Requirements

One of our loyal readers submitted the following story swearing that it is totally true and referring to it as, “Another case of underestimating the ammo requirements.”

As reported earlier this week (in 2007), some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up shooting the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.

Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Judd told the Orlando Sentinel... "That's all the bullets we had left."

Tardy Tom

Tom was in his early 50's, retired from the Air Force, and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work ontime. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from theAir Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."