How Hot Is It?

 

Giving You A Warning!

 

Been There... Done That

 

I Would Agree

 

Just So You Understand

 

Yes It Would...

 

You Say Potayto and I say Potaato

You Do What?

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Good 'Come Back'

Words of Wisdom from Honest Abe

Confucius Said...

You know there are hundreds of ‘Confucius Said’ jokes. You’ve been hearing them since you were a child. Today we bring you a few more that carry the title, “What CONFUCIUS Nearly Said.”


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.


Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.


Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.


It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Translating

Carpe diem does NOT mean 'Gripe all Day'

The French

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion.

The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.

Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, Chirac. He stands still and Europe revolves around him.

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Frenchman In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.

Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered?
A: Table for one hundred thousand, sir?

Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.

Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
A: To improve their breath.

Words to Live By ...

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Well ....

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

A New Old Saying ...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

One Liners 1-10

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago . . . we're one of them."
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
• Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats--approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
• 668-The Neighbor of the Beast.
• Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
• Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma.
• Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
• Always try to do things in chronological order, it's less confusing that way.

One Liners 11-20

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

One Liners 21-30

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.