Big Mac

A father took his 5-year-old son, Jacob, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys night out."

As they were eating their Big Macs, Jacob asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

The Dad responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat.

The boy was quiet for a couple of minutes and was obviously in deep thought.

Finally, Jacob looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough Big Macs to last forever."

Pastor's Raise

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher’s additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen.”

New Drink

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

One for me, one for you....

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[ Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]



And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

All claim Jesus as a part of their race ...

My theory is that Jesus was a white Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.

A black friend of mine had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

A Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

An Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friends also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

A good Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But my wife had the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was really a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.