Balance Problem

A man was injured in an industrial accident and was rushed to a doctor who determined that one of his testicles was crushed. The crushed testicle was removed and the man was assured that he would be fine and would have no complications.

Physically he was fine but mentally he knew he was lighter on one side than the other, which caused him to walk in circles.

After trying to overcome the problem without any luck he returned to the doctor very distraught. "Doc! You've got to help me. I am about to lose my job and my wife because of walking in circles!"

The doctor had never encountered such a problem. As he pondered it he went to his refrigerator for a snack. There he noticed an onion. Ha! He quickly measured the man's remaining testicle, peeled off layers of onion until the onion was exactly the same size as his testicle. A minor operation, and the man walked out of the office as straight as an arrow!

And to this day that man is normal - - - with two exceptions: When he sees a hamburger he gets an erection and when he pees, his eyes water.

Tax Dollars at Work

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions; a timekeeper, and a payroll officer. Then hired two people to fill the positions.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Final Request

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

After some time had passed, the lawyer finally asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."

Learning to be Postal

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, " Why yes. In fact I served two terms in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, “That works in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, but I want you to know that it doesn't affect my ability to work."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, and all that, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come in about 10 and we'll get you started."

The vet asks, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the Post Office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that."

Take Your Temp?

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Texas Phrases

Here is a short list of "Texasisms."
Feel free to us them to bewilder your Yankee friends.

Saying: The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.

Saying: Tighter than bark on a tree.
Translation: Not very generous.

Saying: All hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.

Saying: We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

Saying: He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

Saying: As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
Translation: (self-explanatory)

Saying: He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
Translation: Talks a lot.

Saying: It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here.

Saying: Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.

Saying: This ain't my first rodeo.
Translation: I've been around awhile.

Saying: He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.

Saying: They ate supper before they said grace.
Translation: They are living in sin.

Saying: As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.

Saying: You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Saying: Ain't no one ever starved a profit out of a cow.
Translation: You have to spend money to make money.