A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
The banker says he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased and told the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
February 02, 2008
Not Such a Good Idea
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys who kicked the shit out of him.
After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys who kicked the shit out of him.
February 01, 2008
Same Story ... Different Twist ...
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice "well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice "well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Tourist With a Problem
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself so he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, “but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, old boy. Follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. Finishing his business he turned toward the officer and said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, “but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, old boy. Follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. Finishing his business he turned toward the officer and said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Two Story House
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well, Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well, Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
A Christmas Story
The teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they celebrate Christmas.
She called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class, "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, we also sing hymns," Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
She called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class, "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, we also sing hymns," Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)