Nice Flowers

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

A Good Sermon

from George Burns ……

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.

Temperance Sermon

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river too."

With his sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 - Shall We Gather at the River."

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"Why do you have a big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. Then he picked up a hammer and gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! ... it's ten past three in the morning!"

Excuse Me ...

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.

The little boy has to go pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he held it in for a little while because he did not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.

Then he remembered what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So, he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose."

And saying that, he leaps out of the sand box and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox, quite proud of himself.

"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

No Good Cat ...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his house and leaving the animal in the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife and says, "Susan, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that no good thing on the phone. I'm lost and need directions.”