Sensitive Marine

Three Marine pilots were flying in formation on a routine training flight: Bill, Ken and Ted.

Bill stalls out on final and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ken says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Ted says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Ken says, "Where did you get the beer, Ted?"

"Bill's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Ted says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Bill's widow.'"

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

Careful What You Say ...

As you know, we celebrate being Politically Incorrect. This next story certainly proves it.

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big man replied, "Something about a job."

Smell the Blood ...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't!"

Little Fire Fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Telephone Conversation with a Jewish Mother

Daughter (on the phone): Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Jewish Mother: You're going out?

Daughter: Yes.

Jewish Mother: With whom?

Daughter: With a friend.

Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!

Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?

Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

Daughter: He's not a loser.

Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.

Daughter: Such a what?

Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

Daughter: ENOUGH !!!

Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?

Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Daughter: Goodbye, mother.

Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.