Can't Wait ...

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man,” the husband said, “We're both 90 years old and we may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

When I Win ...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Just Fishin'

A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.  He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later.  He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.  He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"


His brother replies, "I'm fishing.  What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid.  If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

The Season of our Discontent?

Aesop said,

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

Plato said,

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."

How nice to know that after all these years ... nothing has changed.

Big Kahuna

Family Tradition

 

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers because his father had been Airborne.  He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.  The next day he phoned his father to tell him about his experience.

 

"So, how was your 1st jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane."

I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, so then you jumped?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"A little, at first ...

 

 

 

Just Checkin'

A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he'd spent the previous night.

"Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here last night?" he asks.

"You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night," the bartender assures him.

"Thank God," the man says, greatly relieved. "I was afraid I'd lost that money."