Postman Retires ...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him … give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A Duck Goes Into a Bar ...

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?!  We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Hurry!

An older woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer.  "Did you know you were speeding?" he asked politely.

The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated, "Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

 

A Great Discovery

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, “I think it's Adam's underwear!”

Opinions Expressed ...

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Who Gives This Woman?

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.