Taking a Woman to Bed...

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story?  What bed?  Who the hell are you?

Good News & Bad News

A lawyer says to the wealthy Senator from Illinois, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The Senator replies, “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says, “Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she feels are worth a minimum of $2 to 3 million dollars.”

The Senator replies enthusiastically, “Well done. That’s very good news indeed! You’ve made my day.  Now, what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Not Always What They Seem...

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied, "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained.  "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Ask Betty

The Only One?

Good Judgement...