How Was the Wedding?

“So, how did the wedding go?" I asked my workmate, Akeem, on his return to the factory today.

"Not too good, actually," Akeem replied, solemnly. "My new bride died at the reception."

"Holy crap! What happened?" I asked. "Did she blow herself up over the gifts or something?"

"Oh f...k you! F...K YOU!!  How dare you say something like that about her, about me, and frankly, about Muslim culture? We're not all barbarians who would do such awful shit like that. We're a tolerant and peaceful religion and deserve some f...king respect."

"Look, Akeem, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so prejudiced, forgive me," I groveled. "So how did she pass away?"

"We stoned her for drinking alcohol."

Packaging That Would Never Be Approved in the USA

Ummmm... No

Advertising For Seniors

These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious voluptuous blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.

Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock, still want to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and always enjoy playing the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair.
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Just a Senior Attitude

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Just a Misunderstanding

For those who haven't heard, several years ago, Washington State passed new laws to allow gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.”

Evidently, we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

What NOT to Say