Senator in Heaven

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says St. Peter and escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Senior Citizen Translation

Dad is about 80% deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aids. Mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. All normal communication goes right out the window when you walk into their house. This was one of our typical conversations.

Mom: What should we have for lunch?

Me: Let's just have sandwiches. I'll go to the store and get some lunch meat.

Dad: You're going up the street? Why don't you stop in the store and get something for lunch? Maybe some lunch meat.

Me: OKAY, DAD. AND I'LL GET YOU SOME GREEN TEA.

Dad: Humph. You may think you're the queen bee, but I used to change your diapers, missy.

Me: Mom, do you want to come with me?

Mom: Where are you going?

Me: To the grocery store.

Mom: I think I'll just stay here and make lunch.

Me: No, Mom, I'm going to the store to get the stuff to make lunch. I think we need chips, too.

Dad: Why are you worried about your hips? You got arthritis?

Me: CHIPS, DAD, NOT HIPS.

Dad: Did you see that episode on "Everybody Loves Raymond" about Marie's artificial hip?

Me: NO, DAD.

Dad: Well, it'll be on in 15 minutes. Or we can watch Bonanza on channel 31.

Me: WHAT, DO YOU HAVE THE TV SCHEDULE MEMORIZED?

Dad: Yeah, that sounds good! Mom, she's going to pick up some lemon pies!

Mom: Oh! Are you going to the store?

Me, sighing: Yes, mom. I'll be back in a few minutes.

My sister informed me that after I left, the conversation continued... Dad picks up the phone.

Mom: Who are you calling?

Dad: I'm going to call the prayer chain and ask them to pray for her hip. Did you know she had arthritis? Our kids never tell us anything.

Mom: I know, she didn't even tell me where she was going.

Dad, on phone: Hey, Pastor! I need you to pray for my daughter. We just found out she needs a hip replacement.

Mom: Ask him if he and the missus have plans for lunch. We could meet them at that nice little diner.

Dad: Would you like to join us for lunch at the diner? I think I've heard that they serve good lemon pie.

I'm telling you, it was like trying to converse in Swahili with a gerbil and a manhole cover. It was enough to make my hip hurt.

Murphy at Mass

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy was not exactly known as the “church going type,” and to see him attending services was some-thing of a shock.

After Mass the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I’ve got to be honest with ya Father. A while back I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. Now, I know that McGlynn has a hat just like me hat, and I know that McGlynn comes to Mass every Sunday.”

“I also know that McGlynn has to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat," Murphy confessed.

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well Father, after hearin’ your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

Golfing in this weather?

One chilly, fall Saturday morning I get up early. I put on my long
johns. I dress quietly. I get my lunch made and go to the garage
to put my golf clubs in the trunk ready to head down the driveway.

Coming out of the garage, rain is pouring down; it's a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph.

Being reasonably intelligent, I return to the garage, go back into
the house and turn the TV to the weather channel. While I think
that the weatherman is probably just guessing, I am convinced
that the bad weather is going to be around all day. So, I put the
clubs back in their place; quietly undress and slip back into bed.

There I cuddle up to my wife's back with a different type of
activity on my mind, and whisper in her ear, "The weather out
there is terrible."

She sleepily replies, "I know! Can you believe my stupid husband
is out golfing in this shit?"

Cop in the hospital

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs
in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told
him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape … the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was this message, "Get well quick..... from the nurse you
gave a ticket to last week."

Is she a virgin?

Two Italian guys were discussing one's upcoming wedding. "I'm not
sure if my future bride is a virgin or not," says the first.

His buddy told him, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need
is some red and blue paint and a shovel.”

“And?” says the groom to be.

“You paint one ball red and one ball blue. Then, on your honeymoon,
if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!'
you whack her with the shovel.”