Frozen Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she was unable to find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied politely, "No, ma'am, they're as big as they're gonna get. They're dead."

New Librarian

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to theLibrarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.

The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

Getting Fat?

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," replied the little girl, “but what's growing in your butt?"

Time for Marriage?

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, peering over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Nith Horth

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

"How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

Don't Brag ...

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."