Help Me !

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

Without a second’s hesitation the old man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

One More Drink

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Pull the Teeth

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "If I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Teeth in a Glass

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!”

Hooker

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows.

"Twenty dollars..."she whispers to Boudreaux.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes and are going "at it" for a minute when all
of a sudden a policeman shines his flashlight right in their faces and
says, "What's going on here, people?"

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "needer did I til you shined dat light in her
face."

Baby With No Ears

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family
was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's
Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the
smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he
will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed
to wear glasses."