So is this the dumbest illegal ever?
October 31, 2008
October 26, 2008
Perfect Frank
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
The passenger asks, "Who?"
The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
The passenger said, "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
The cabbie replied, "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
The passenger said, "Sounds like he was something really special."
The cabbie replied, "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But, Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
The passenger being quite impressed said, "Wow, some guy then, that Frank."
The cabbie siad, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
The passenger, being quite impressed said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
The cabbie replied, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."
The passenger asks, "Who?"
The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
The passenger said, "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
The cabbie replied, "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
The passenger said, "Sounds like he was something really special."
The cabbie replied, "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But, Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
The passenger being quite impressed said, "Wow, some guy then, that Frank."
The cabbie siad, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
The passenger, being quite impressed said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
The cabbie replied, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."
October 25, 2008
Retirement Bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
Bingo !
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length minkcoat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............ same "Won it at the bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............ same "Won it at the bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Wind Up Her Skirt
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
An older gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
An older gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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