Seen on US Hwy 15-501 at Lamm's Grove intersection. (near Durham , N.C. )
June 26, 2009
June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day!
Fathers: Then & Now
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2000, fathers are never truly appreciated.
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2000, fathers are never truly appreciated.
June 20, 2009
Growing Wild
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it.
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There just isn’t any justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
“Well,” she said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There just isn’t any justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
“Well,” she said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
Purina Diet
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had … an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, “No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.”
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
ADVICE FROM MEN TO WOMEN
~ Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
~ Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
~ Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
~ Never buy a “new” brand of beer because “it was on sale.” (This would apply to any and all adult beverages that I appreciate.)
~ What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view!
~ When I ask, “How many guys have you slept with?” It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
~ When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying “Oh, this is our exit, Honey,” is not really necessary.
~ The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. During winter months, it will be slightly, to moderately cooler, than you want it.
~ SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or communicate with your Mother via SKYPE, telephone or Dixie Cup.
~ If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
~ You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
~ It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
~ Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
~ Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
~ Never buy a “new” brand of beer because “it was on sale.” (This would apply to any and all adult beverages that I appreciate.)
~ What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view!
~ When I ask, “How many guys have you slept with?” It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
~ When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying “Oh, this is our exit, Honey,” is not really necessary.
~ The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. During winter months, it will be slightly, to moderately cooler, than you want it.
~ SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or communicate with your Mother via SKYPE, telephone or Dixie Cup.
~ If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
~ You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
~ It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)