We want to pass on and “open letter” to one of the many brand managers that work for Procter & Gamble (probably the largest manufacturer of personal care products in the world)
February 6, 2007
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core* or Dri-Weave* absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aero-dynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure and about our intense mood swings, crying jags and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boy-friend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always Maxi Pad. And there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness ... "actual smiling, laughing happiness" ... is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX…
No, we don’t know if it is actually a letter to P&G … but if you knowWendi, tell her we'd like to add her to the Funn-E-Stuff staff …
July 25, 2009
Looking Glass
After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So on arriving back home he hung it in the barn. Then every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So on arriving back home he hung it in the barn. Then every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Confessional
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during WorldWar II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.
"The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father," the old man said, “She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But, I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during WorldWar II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.
"The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father," the old man said, “She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But, I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Politically Correct
The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be.
Do you know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever?
Bill Clinton.
Do you know who gave the shortest?
George Washington.
It was just a couple of minutes.
Well sure, when a politician can not tell a lie ... it limits how much they can say.
Do you know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever?
Bill Clinton.
Do you know who gave the shortest?
George Washington.
It was just a couple of minutes.
Well sure, when a politician can not tell a lie ... it limits how much they can say.
July 24, 2009
How Dry Is It?
It's so dry in Texas that:
the Baptist are baptizing by sprinkling,
the Methodist are using wet wipes,
the Presbyterians are handing out rain checks
and the Catholics are praying the wine turns back to water.
Now that's dry!
the Baptist are baptizing by sprinkling,
the Methodist are using wet wipes,
the Presbyterians are handing out rain checks
and the Catholics are praying the wine turns back to water.
Now that's dry!
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