A Cowboy in Heaven

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and I yelled … Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?

The cowboy leaned over, spit and said, “Couple of minutes ago.”

Plans Scrubbed ...

We've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids was not a good product name.

A Damned Fine Explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

As you might expect, she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig," she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

So the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

New Government Regulations for 2011

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.

Products will now be labeled "no fat," "low fat," "reduced fat" and "fat, but with a great personality."

WHAT?

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat, yellow, lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny woman with big blue hair."

Traditional Christmas Greeting

To Our Liberal Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.


To Our Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!