Nothing Like a Good Education ...

This was sent to us by an individual who is obviously very interested in education. He is one of those people that believes who believes that students today are being “dumbed down” in order to get them through school. As proof of his position he submitted to us some questions and answers from recently submitted GED exams. You be the judge …

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (really … you can’t argue with that)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head.

Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. Then with a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?"

"Jeez Cletus … ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

Billy Bob looked around and spoke softly, "Now don't be tellin' nobody 'cause it's embarrassin'. You see, me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department. So, I went to see a Therapist and he toll me that I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “The restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he said.

I was impressed.

Later I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out ... how do you put it back without touching it?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others … but I use the spoon.”

Blonde Windows?

A year ago a blonde was convinced to buy some replacement windows for her house. They were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

She received a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed an entire year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

The blonde said, “Hellloooo … Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.”

She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year that … “In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!”

“Helllooooo?” she said again. “It's been a year.”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.

The contractor never called back ... and she thought to herself, “I bet he felt like an idiot.”

Story of an Old Sailor

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more … just for old time’s sake.

He stops in at the house of pleasures that he had frequented so many times in his younger years and engages a prostitute who takes him up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can, for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks the woman, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks. “What's that supposed to mean?”

She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!”

Smart Kids ...

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Timmy, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Timmy. "How could he? He only had two worms."