And When I Die ...

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him and believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88.  His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, “Aren't you afraid that he may be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down … And you know men won't ask for directions.”

Switching Channels

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said, "OH for god's sake, Harry.  Leave it on the porn channel.  You already know how to fish!”

No Wonder ...

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body (duh!) and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well … I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone ... I'll be in the shower!
 

All Come In ...

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrive.  St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here.  I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here.  This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are brothers.  Now, go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.  He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the Black and Mexican guys?" asked God.

"No!” says Peter, “The Pearly Gates."

Mama Visits ...

Mrs. Martini visited her son, Anthony, for dinner.  He lived with a female roommate, Maria.  During the course of the meal, Mrs. Martini couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it,” said Anthony, “But I'll email her, just to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.  But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama


Moral: Never lie to your Mama.

MBA Smart

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as an executive assistant to the owner of a fast-growing computer software company.  The man was in his late sixties, but handsome and hard working.

She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her and on calling her "dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters.  When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands.  "Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre d.

"Gee," she replied, "Anywhere you say, Dad."