A New Ring!

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique," said the older gentleman.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe.  "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000," he said as he held out the rock.

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the older man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow.  I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the older man. "You old fool,” the jeweler said. “You lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know," the old guy said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

I'll just sit on the porch...

John's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir.

From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start on a song, John would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, John?  Don't you like my singing?"

“Certainly I do, Honey,” John replied, "I love your singing, but when you practice I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

The English Language

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not… a Congress!

Police Alert!

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. 

The police are looking into it.

A Little Like Billy Joel?

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. 

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. “I was a Navy F-4 pilot off the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours while in port, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.  So, why not give him a try. 

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. 

The bartender took the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You," he said.  After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."   

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song, and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby; It's Foggy Out Tonight, and I Need To See The Centerline," excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Flyboy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!”

Dad Can Help...

“I've got a question, Mom,” said the 10-year old boy.  “The guys at school are using words I don't understand.”

“What words, dear?” the mother asked.

“Pussy and bitch.”

Mom inhaled sharply but then said, “Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our Snowflake. A bitch is a female dog, like our Greta.”

“Thanks, Mom,” he said and then headed out to the garage to find his father.

“Dad, the guys at school, are using words I don't understand.”

“What words, son?” asked the curious Father.

“Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning.”

Dad said, “Son, never ask your mother about these kinds of things. Ask me instead.”

After checking to see that his wife was not within sight, he said to his son, “Let me explain it like this.” He pulled an old Playboy magazine from his workbench drawer, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, “Son, everything inside the circle is pussy.”

“Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?”

Dad replied, “Everything outside the circle!”