In Honor of Memorial Day

There was a Marine deployed in Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up. Not that sending this fighting Jarhead a “Dear John” letter wasn’t bad enough, she also wanted the picture of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of naked women to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Story With A Moral

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way, they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other, and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way, they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is… Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

USO Tour

The showgirls had entertained the troops all afternoon at a remote army base. After the performance, the major asked, "Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers?"

"It doesn't matter," one bold girl replied. "But we would like something to eat first."

Old West Analysis

This is an “Old West” analysis and summary of the Mueller report and Congress’ efforts in one sentence:

"While we recognize that the subject did not actually steal any horses, he is obviously guilty of trying to resist being hanged for it."

Nuff said.

The Opposite Of...

Three aspiring psychiatrists from three leading universities were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness'" said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texas A&M student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

A Curmudgeon's Perspective

From a Senior's point of view:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying we remove all the warning labels and the problem will work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,495 days in a row.

8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.