A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
May 30, 2009
May 29, 2009
May 19, 2009
May 03, 2009
West Virginia Education ...
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Midwest and New York
A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.
"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "Here in the East we think breeding is everything."
"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."
"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "Here in the East we think breeding is everything."
"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."
Stadium Ritual
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto thepavement.
Noticing this a policeman stops her... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes I say, "$20 or offit comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up."
Noticing this a policeman stops her... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes I say, "$20 or offit comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up."
Texas College Humor ...
A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.
The guy fromTech said, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy4 beers, he will buy the 5th."
The Longhorn said, "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought two."
"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."
The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.
"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.
"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."
The guy fromTech said, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy4 beers, he will buy the 5th."
The Longhorn said, "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought two."
"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."
The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.
"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.
"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."
Who'll Pay?
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had emergency open heart surgery which saved his life. He awakened from surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun with a clip board stopped in to see him. She asked how he was going to pay for his treatment. Did he have health insurance?
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
Again he replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
His statement seemed to agitate the nun who came back loudly with, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied, "In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
As he was recovering, a nun with a clip board stopped in to see him. She asked how he was going to pay for his treatment. Did he have health insurance?
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
Again he replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
His statement seemed to agitate the nun who came back loudly with, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied, "In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Chief Justice Rehnquist
To prove that truth is funnier than fiction, we offer these remarks made by the late Chief Justice, William Rehnquist while making an address at the University of Virginia …
"In the past, when I've talked to audiences like this, I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realized that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes."
"In the past, when I've talked to audiences like this, I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realized that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes."
May 02, 2009
Her Yearly Physical
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
May 01, 2009
Pooh & Piglet
Pooh, Piglet and the Swine Flu
We would give credit to the creator of this cartoon, but it arrived unsigned.
We would give credit to the creator of this cartoon, but it arrived unsigned.
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