Done Anything Wild?

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

The older man noticed that the young fellow had spiked hair in all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Socrates Said ....

And remember what Socrates once said ……

By all means marry.

If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if youget a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Name the Baby ....

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will we name our baby?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again. A boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...

She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

A while later, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will we name our baby?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will we name our baby?" she asked once more.

After he was done, he took off his condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one we'll name him David Copperfield!"

Time off

Two factory workers, a man and a blonde woman, were talking.

"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you’ll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her. He climbed up to the rafters, and hung upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

With a straight face the man answered, "I'm a light bulb."

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too and boss asked her where she thought she was going.

"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark."

Stamps

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? All right then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Union Shop

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this certainly is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a most stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next."

Arthur and Galahad

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin, who selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade camedown and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guineverein the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

Housework-Challenged

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Minnesota Vikings!"

George Burns Once Said ....

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

Buy the Cat?

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a doubletake. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually over to the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

The owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Tell The Truth

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, he lost his grip and his axe and it fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying out?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No, it is not."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying out?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and returned with Jennifer Lopez."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter with obvious glee.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is not the truth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

Just Waiting

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and knocked on the window.

The young man lowered his window..."Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" asked the puzzled cop.

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing toward the young woman, the cop asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged. "I believe she's knitting a sweater."

The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night... and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?" he asked.

"I'm 22, sir," the young man said as he produced his driver’s license.

"And her. What's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

TV's My Boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom and grandma was dusting furniture he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

300% Impotent

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean. How can someone be 300% impotent?"

"Well, the first 100% you can imagine," she told him. "But then he burned his tongue and broke his finger.”

Finally Made the Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he was shocked to see that his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before having the chance to ask him what had happened, the clerk had some really good news for him.

"Guess what?" the clerk said. "It finally happened. I sold that really ugly suit we've had for so long."

"Are you referring to that repulsive orange and brown, double-breasted thing?" asked the manager.

"That's the one, sir," replied the clerk.

"That's great!" exclaimed the manager. "I was afraid we'd never get rid of that horrid monstrosity! That had to have been the ugliest suit we've ever had! But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh, that," the clerk replied. "Well, after I sold the guy the suit, his damned guide dog bit me!"

Missouri Farmer's Son

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well,” said the farmer, “is yer Ma here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"He went with maw and Pa," replied the boy.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Teaching in a New World

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence. This child is what we in the civilized world call an albino. Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment and then said, "Tell you what. I won’t say anything about the white child if you won’t say anything about the black sheep!”

Salesman in the Country

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling bug spray. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy the whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray, tied him to the stake and returned to the farmhouse.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now you don't have a bite on you, but you look like hell. What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "for the love of God, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Yesterday's Delivery

Melvin goes to confession..... "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," Melvin replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

Melvin then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked seductively if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house, but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Melvin asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, ...you dumbass!"

Alien Test

An alien scout ship from the star system Alpha Proxima arrives on earth to search for intelligent life. Not wanting to draw attention to themselves they decide to begin their specimen search at sea.

A safe distance from the shores of New England they find a promising specimen: a male biped in a rowboat somewhere off the shore of New England.

But, to their disappointment, all he can say is, "God Bless America!"

Not knowing what do make of this they strap him to their examination table for a series of tests. They knock him out, remove 25% of his brain, and awaken him.

"God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly.

They knock him out again, remove another 25% of his brain, leaving only 50%, and awaken him.

"God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly.

They knock him out yet again, remove another 25% of his brain, leaving only 25%, and awaken him.

"God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly.

Amazed, they knock him out one more time and remove the remainder of his brain, leaving him with none, and awaken him.

"God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly.

Shock and awe ensues and the alien doctors don't know what to do next, until one of the interns suggest they try methodically removing other parts to see what happens.

After some discussion it's agreed that they continue by removing his testicles.

As they awaken him he shouts defiantly, "Vive le France!"

(We just don’t get tired of these French jokes …… )

New Watch

A very confident Marine Corps fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The woman, now intrigued, says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Fighter Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Oh... the damn thing's an hour fast."

Named What?

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Helpful Vet

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.

The banker says he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased and told the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Not Such a Good Idea

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys who kicked the shit out of him.

Same Story ... Different Twist ...

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.

The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice "well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Tourist With a Problem

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself so he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, “but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, old boy. Follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. Finishing his business he turned toward the officer and said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Two Story House

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well, Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

A Christmas Story

The teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they celebrate Christmas.

She called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class, "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.

Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, we also sing hymns," Isaac responded.

Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."

"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."