Three men are sitting and talking about the last birthday present they bought for their wives.
The first one says, "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!"
The other two ask him what he got her.
"I got her a Porsche. And she's never been happier in her life."
The next guy says, "I know what you mean. I bought MY wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! - and she's on cloud nine!"
"That could only be a Ferrari," the other two say.
"What did you give your wife for her birthday?" they ask the third.
"Now, I don't want to brag, but I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds!"
"No way," say the other two, "That's way faster than the Ferrari, and the Ferrari's the fastest thing there is!"
"Nope" the third man says, “I got my wife something faster. But the funny thing is, she's really not all that happy about the fact that it goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds."
"Wow," one of the men said, "That's hard to believe. Just what in the Hell is it?"
The third fellow smiles and says, “I got her a new bathroom scale.”
June 29, 2008
Unusual Condition
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
A Dentist?
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go back to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands.
He then took off his trousers, and washed his hands again.
The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, said, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another, and they made love. Afterward, the girl said, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego, said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, but how did you figure that out?"
“Because,” she said "I didn't feel a thing!"
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands.
He then took off his trousers, and washed his hands again.
The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, said, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another, and they made love. Afterward, the girl said, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego, said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, but how did you figure that out?"
“Because,” she said "I didn't feel a thing!"
Sign Language in Paris
A furniture dealer from Arkansas decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, and after eating he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drewa picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, and after eating he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drewa picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....
Thank You, Dr. Smith
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.
He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn'twant to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle ofthe bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" she said.
He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock ."
He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn'twant to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle ofthe bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" she said.
He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock ."
New Age "Bird & Bees"
A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad responds, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've got male!"
Dad responds, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've got male!"
Baseball in Heaven
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "We have both loved baseball all our lives and played minor league ball together for so many years. You have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball up there."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, if it is at all possible, I'll do it for you."
Shortly after that, Sam passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are here, and we're all young men again. It's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
Sam tells him, "You're pitching next Tuesday.”
"Sam," says Moe, "We have both loved baseball all our lives and played minor league ball together for so many years. You have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball up there."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, if it is at all possible, I'll do it for you."
Shortly after that, Sam passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are here, and we're all young men again. It's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
Sam tells him, "You're pitching next Tuesday.”
Bubba the Painter
Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked bubba if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $20,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with BettyJo, his wife (and first cousin).
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Okay, I'll paint ya nekkid, but I'll have ta leave my socks on, so's I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes..."
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked bubba if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $20,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with BettyJo, his wife (and first cousin).
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Okay, I'll paint ya nekkid, but I'll have ta leave my socks on, so's I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes..."
Ole Shot
For those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot.
He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend, Lars.
He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend, Lars.
Ole Gone Fishin'
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vistle and dey yump back into deir buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that," said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell vhat?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!" demanded the game warden.
"Vhat fish?"
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vistle and dey yump back into deir buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that," said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell vhat?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!" demanded the game warden.
"Vhat fish?"
Bou & Thib ...
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.
Bou asks Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so.....but, it shore would make us even!"
Bou asks Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so.....but, it shore would make us even!"
The NEW Church ...
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater style seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock and roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far, though, with the drive thru confession."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "But that flashing neon sign, 'TOOT 'N TELL or GO TO HELL' can't stay on the church roof."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock and roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far, though, with the drive thru confession."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "But that flashing neon sign, 'TOOT 'N TELL or GO TO HELL' can't stay on the church roof."
Quotes on Golf
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."
- Winston Churchill
"It's the most fun I've had with my clothes on."
- Lee Trevino
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it."
- Jimmy Demaret
- Jack Lemmon
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."
- Winston Churchill
"It's the most fun I've had with my clothes on."
- Lee Trevino
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it."
- Jimmy Demaret
June 28, 2008
Helps Me Sleep ...
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her adult life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" he asked her.
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep."
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" he asked her.
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep."
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
He Had Two?
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, he said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
Then he brought the other friend in to identify the body.
Gomer lookedat the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty burnt up. Roll him over."
Again the mortician rolled the body over and Gomer said, "No. It ain'tBubba."
Confused, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well,” Gomer told him, “Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
“Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, he said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
Then he brought the other friend in to identify the body.
Gomer lookedat the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty burnt up. Roll him over."
Again the mortician rolled the body over and Gomer said, "No. It ain'tBubba."
Confused, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well,” Gomer told him, “Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
“Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Be Honest
Little Joey was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the cottage and asked her, "Nana, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Joey just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Nana, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Joey just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Nana, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
License & Registration
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies' expense.
The Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
The Lawyer says, "What for?"
The Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."
The Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
The Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
The Lawyer says, "What for?"
The Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."
The Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Double Vodkas
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes,” he said. “I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Oh, you bet," says the guy, "my wife..."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes,” he said. “I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Oh, you bet," says the guy, "my wife..."
True Story
Once upon a time, a boy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl replied, "No."
The boy lived happily ever after.
The end.
The girl replied, "No."
The boy lived happily ever after.
The end.
A Few Questions
Hillary Clinton was invited to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One littleboy puts up his hand.
Mrs Clinton asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he told her.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" asks Hillary.
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husbands 8 years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry," the boy answers.
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband’s 8 years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
One littleboy puts up his hand.
Mrs Clinton asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he told her.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" asks Hillary.
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husbands 8 years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry," the boy answers.
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband’s 8 years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
Bush & Moses
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent agreed.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak.”
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire middle east where there is no oil."
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent agreed.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak.”
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire middle east where there is no oil."
You Did What?
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Snitzer? This is Arnaldo, your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one," says the caretaker.
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your mother’s! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G2Driver."
Master Snitzer yelled, "Arnaldo, if you broke that driver you're fired!"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one," says the caretaker.
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your mother’s! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G2Driver."
Master Snitzer yelled, "Arnaldo, if you broke that driver you're fired!"
June 25, 2008
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone ... don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me.
Then I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window with his telephone number. I wrote it down.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial now), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is," he answered.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five," he told me.
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" I asked.
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to myspeed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?" he demanded.
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way to kill my gay lover who lives at 1802 West 34th Street. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the Channel13 news crew.
NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me.
Then I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window with his telephone number. I wrote it down.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial now), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is," he answered.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five," he told me.
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" I asked.
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to myspeed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?" he demanded.
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way to kill my gay lover who lives at 1802 West 34th Street. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the Channel13 news crew.
NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.
June 21, 2008
Greatest Gunfighter ...
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, ".... but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, ".... but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
June 19, 2008
A Lesson for the Teacher
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students:
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it that dog had jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Ffff 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ... And before she could say 'Fuck', that Rottweiler ate her!"
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it that dog had jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Ffff 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ... And before she could say 'Fuck', that Rottweiler ate her!"
June 14, 2008
Conversion
A goy (non Jewish person) goes to see the Rabbi and says that he would like to convert to Judaism.
Rabbi: Well, being a Jew means a lot more than just converting. You would need to make a lot of sacrifices, such as observing the Sabbathas as well as our dietary laws.
Goy: I've seen the light, and I'm prepared for any sacrifices.
Rabbi: Well, there's more to it than that. You would have to pass a test.
Goy: I've been studying the Talmud for two years now, so I'm sure I could pass any test.
Rabbi: Well, there's also a fee. You would have to pay $500.
Goy: 500 dollars? THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS! I'll give you 15 dollars!
Rabbi: You passed the test.
Rabbi: Well, being a Jew means a lot more than just converting. You would need to make a lot of sacrifices, such as observing the Sabbathas as well as our dietary laws.
Goy: I've seen the light, and I'm prepared for any sacrifices.
Rabbi: Well, there's more to it than that. You would have to pass a test.
Goy: I've been studying the Talmud for two years now, so I'm sure I could pass any test.
Rabbi: Well, there's also a fee. You would have to pay $500.
Goy: 500 dollars? THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS! I'll give you 15 dollars!
Rabbi: You passed the test.
Two Brothers
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
Blonde Fishing Trip
Two blonde guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the boat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a small fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men caught a fish.
As they're driving home they are both really depressed. One blonde turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us FIFTEEN HUNDRED dollars?"
The other blonde says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore!"
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men caught a fish.
As they're driving home they are both really depressed. One blonde turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us FIFTEEN HUNDRED dollars?"
The other blonde says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore!"
Here in America ...
Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country.
The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now, you fool. Speak Spanish!"
The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now, you fool. Speak Spanish!"
Good Movie
A five-year-old boy couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie he had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, his father interrupted by asking, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity the boy replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, his father interrupted by asking, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity the boy replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
Morning Coffee
A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
Which One?
A man walked into a sex shop and asked for a blow-up doll.
The clerk inquired, “Christian or Muslim?”
The man said, "What's the difference between the two?"
The clerk answered, "The Muslim one blows herself up."
The clerk inquired, “Christian or Muslim?”
The man said, "What's the difference between the two?"
The clerk answered, "The Muslim one blows herself up."
Close Shave
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
"Wow!" he exclaimed, "That is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh what happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "No big thing ... You'll just bring it back to me after you pass it. That's what the last guy did."
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
"Wow!" he exclaimed, "That is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh what happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "No big thing ... You'll just bring it back to me after you pass it. That's what the last guy did."
Comparing Stories ...
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer .... we'd both stillbe alive.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer .... we'd both stillbe alive.
A Good Demonstration
A Baptist minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He placed four worms into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
“So,” the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
“So,” the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Rules of Life
The Rules of Life include this:
You need only two tools - WD40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use WD40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.
You need only two tools - WD40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use WD40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.
I'll Join Earl ...
Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
I'll Just Fix This ...
We are told that this is true story and that it was taken from a Florida newspaper. That being the case, truth is funnier than fiction …
A Crestview couple drove to their local Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.
A Crestview couple drove to their local Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.
Jewish Tradition
An Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meet with their Rabbi for counseling. The Rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not!" says the Rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay." says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem." says the Rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure." says the Rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO!" says the Rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the husband to be.
"Could lead to dancing!"
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not!" says the Rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay." says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem." says the Rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure." says the Rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO!" says the Rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the husband to be.
"Could lead to dancing!"
Getting a Divorce
"I'm getting a divorce," said Hank to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Hank. Wives like that are hard to find."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Hank. Wives like that are hard to find."
Caribbean Vacation
A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you," the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name before I leave?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the woman says.
"Fine, my name is Snow," he tells her.
And the lady bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
She replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"
"I can't tell you," the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name before I leave?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the woman says.
"Fine, my name is Snow," he tells her.
And the lady bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
She replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"
Cruise Diary
Dear Diary:
MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at histable tonight.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are 1,262 passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety and having a good time. He is so charming and invited me to dine at his table again tonight.
WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy and the dinner was served with the best wines. He made several amorous proposals to me but I stood firm on my moral convictions.
THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his exotic proposals.
FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1,262 lives last night .... twice.
MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at histable tonight.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are 1,262 passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety and having a good time. He is so charming and invited me to dine at his table again tonight.
WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy and the dinner was served with the best wines. He made several amorous proposals to me but I stood firm on my moral convictions.
THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his exotic proposals.
FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1,262 lives last night .... twice.
June 13, 2008
Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral ..... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral ..... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
June 08, 2008
Harley Guy ...
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ... a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But, I'm wondering. Is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But, I'm wondering. Is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Little Johnny is Watching ...
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Ole & Sven
Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota, so he drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
Different Sides of the Story ...
Her Side of the Story:
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
I don't remember doing anything to make him upset but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting really worried; what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up but started to wonder what was really bothering him. Was it me or something else?
I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway, in the car on the way back home I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me so I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me and to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted so afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn't. I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
Played badly today - shot a 93 - can't putt for shit! Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
I don't remember doing anything to make him upset but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting really worried; what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up but started to wonder what was really bothering him. Was it me or something else?
I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway, in the car on the way back home I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me so I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me and to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted so afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn't. I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
Played badly today - shot a 93 - can't putt for shit! Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
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