A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on," demanded the Mother.
The boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
July 27, 2008
Can They Survive?
Two men crashed in their private plane on a deserted South Pacific island. Both survived.
One of the men brushed himself off and proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited. There is no food - there is no water. We are going to die!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, "No, we're not. I make over $250,000 a month."
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water, and we are going to die!"
The other man, unruffled, again responded, "No, we are not! I make over $250,000 a month!"
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, repeated loudly and slowly, "For ... the ... last ... time ... I'm ... telling ... you ... There is no food ... There is no water ... I repeat, WE ... ARE ... GOING ... TO ... DIE ... A ... SLOW ... DEATH!"
Still unfazed, the other man looked the first man in the eyes and said, "Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 a month. I TITHE. My pastor will find us!"
One of the men brushed himself off and proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited. There is no food - there is no water. We are going to die!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, "No, we're not. I make over $250,000 a month."
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water, and we are going to die!"
The other man, unruffled, again responded, "No, we are not! I make over $250,000 a month!"
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, repeated loudly and slowly, "For ... the ... last ... time ... I'm ... telling ... you ... There is no food ... There is no water ... I repeat, WE ... ARE ... GOING ... TO ... DIE ... A ... SLOW ... DEATH!"
Still unfazed, the other man looked the first man in the eyes and said, "Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 a month. I TITHE. My pastor will find us!"
Different States ...
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.
Conversation on a Plane
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,” says the guy, "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,” says the guy, "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Help From Above ...
Pete, a good Catholic from Baltimore, was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whisky."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pete looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."
Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whisky."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pete looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."
What's That For?
A very old couple who have been married for ever are sitting on the porch one night.
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment. Then he smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, "What the hell was that for?"
He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment. Then he smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, "What the hell was that for?"
He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."
Funeral Service
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a Graveside service for a derelict man who had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area; and, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions and I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness (they looked puzzled at my admission). I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say, "Amen! Praise the Lord and Glory!" I preached, and preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, inspite of my tardiness. I opened the door of my car and took off my coat.
Then I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like this before."
I was not familiar with the backwoods area; and, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions and I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness (they looked puzzled at my admission). I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say, "Amen! Praise the Lord and Glory!" I preached, and preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, inspite of my tardiness. I opened the door of my car and took off my coat.
Then I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like this before."
Marriage Counselor
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.
The wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I go fishing."
The wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I go fishing."
July 20, 2008
Two Boys in Trouble
Two six-year-old boys were attending Catholic school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave --- time outs, notes home, missed recesses – but could do nothing with them. Finally, the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Son, do you know where God is?"
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, "Son, do you know where God is?"
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair, rushed past his friend in the waiting room, and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Son, do you know where God is?"
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, "Son, do you know where God is?"
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair, rushed past his friend in the waiting room, and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Perfect Shot
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Of course, he was also driving his playing partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man,” says the second fellow, “You'll never hit her from here!"
Of course, he was also driving his playing partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man,” says the second fellow, “You'll never hit her from here!"
Senior Golf
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT! ...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ...
A long silencefollowed ...
Then the voice came again saying, "USE THE OLD BALL."
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT! ...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ...
A long silencefollowed ...
Then the voice came again saying, "USE THE OLD BALL."
Blonde Football
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!”
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!”
Are You the One?
A man standing in line at a checkout counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE ... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college ... perhaps I did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's second-grade teacher.”
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE ... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college ... perhaps I did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's second-grade teacher.”
July 08, 2008
July 05, 2008
Pastor Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy about her behavior. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When she stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate. We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
The Reverend wasn't happy about her behavior. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When she stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate. We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
Good/Bad News
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "John, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
Holy Water
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the Holy Water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the Holy Water."
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the Holy Water."
Two in One?
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
The child answers, "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Say Grace
A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
"I wouldn't know what to say”, the little girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite these people to dinner?”
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
"I wouldn't know what to say”, the little girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite these people to dinner?”
Get Over That Depression
There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
The armless man said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
The armless man said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
Speak Up ...
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
After he gave her his name the receptionist said, in a very loud voice, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed older man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Is It True?
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
How Much?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Class of '08
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He got into a taxi and the driver said, "How are you on this lovely day?"
The young man proudly announced, "I'm the Class of 2008, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looked back to shake the young man's hand and said, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Harvard Class of 1999."
He got into a taxi and the driver said, "How are you on this lovely day?"
The young man proudly announced, "I'm the Class of 2008, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looked back to shake the young man's hand and said, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Harvard Class of 1999."
Albert Meets His Roomies
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory," says St. Peter. "We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others."
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
St. Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last roommate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, which Law school did you attend?"
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory," says St. Peter. "We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others."
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
St. Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last roommate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, which Law school did you attend?"
No Room on the Bus
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving my crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving my crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Texas Farmer
A man owned a small farm in West Texas.
The Texas Wage Department came to visit, investigating a report he was not paying proper wages to his help.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months. I pay her $400 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy his chewing tobacco," replies the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
The farmer says, "You ARE talking to him."
The Texas Wage Department came to visit, investigating a report he was not paying proper wages to his help.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months. I pay her $400 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy his chewing tobacco," replies the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
The farmer says, "You ARE talking to him."
Wha'd He Say ?
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The old woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?”
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The old woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?”
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
The Great Debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Bernie to represent them in the debate. However, as Bernie spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish; they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Bernie sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Bernie looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Bernie pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Bernie pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Bernie was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. The Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Bernie. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Bernie. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Bernie. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Bernie to represent them in the debate. However, as Bernie spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish; they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Bernie sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Bernie looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Bernie pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Bernie pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Bernie was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. The Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Bernie. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Bernie. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Bernie. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
New Equipment
Satellite TV is now available on cars.
Was there a big problem with cars that cell phones weren't distracting enough?
Now people are talking on the phone and watching TV!
Was there a big problem with cars that cell phones weren't distracting enough?
Now people are talking on the phone and watching TV!
No You Don't ...
Michael Jackson said he wanted to move to Berlin.
As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up.
As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up.
Stop At 9
A couple from Alabama had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby - especially since neither of them could speak Spanish.
The doctor asked why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby - especially since neither of them could speak Spanish.
Chicken & Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
My Son the Vet
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cathouses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cathouses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Are You Sick?
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He answers, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He answers, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
Depressed Lawyer
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wil Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, Do you know what time it is? Where have you been? and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, Do you know what time it is? Where have you been? and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"
Trip to Rome
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. And sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh Really what did he say?” asked the surprised hairdresser.
He said, “Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?”
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. And sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh Really what did he say?” asked the surprised hairdresser.
He said, “Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?”
What Will He Be ?
I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to the idea of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a long drink...
"Oh Lord," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a long drink...
"Oh Lord," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
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