Help Me !

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

Without a second’s hesitation the old man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

One More Drink

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Pull the Teeth

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "If I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Teeth in a Glass

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!”

Hooker

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows.

"Twenty dollars..."she whispers to Boudreaux.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes and are going "at it" for a minute when all
of a sudden a policeman shines his flashlight right in their faces and
says, "What's going on here, people?"

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "needer did I til you shined dat light in her
face."

Baby With No Ears

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family
was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's
Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the
smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he
will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed
to wear glasses."

Cheating

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette
I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he
even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."

A Talk With Jesus

Many times in my retirement, when I am troubled or confused,
I find comfort in sitting in my back yard having a scotch and a
cigar as I have a quiet conversation with Jesus.

This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why did I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love
they have for their family. You worked hard to have a peaceful,
beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.
Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life?
Why am I here?"

He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your
heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you
some more, Señor, but now, I have to finish your lawn."

Cheap Bastards

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three
kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry
I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,
you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're
all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great,
Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't
have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

Then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing
so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we
were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to
college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved
each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Most Dangerous Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. He says,
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-
term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we
all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in
the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"

Hillary is pregnant

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out
that she is pregnant.

She is furious... Here she is in the middle of her first run for
President as Senator for New York and this has happened to her.

She calls home. Bill answers the phone and she immediately
starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right
now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this!
I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice in a barely audible
whisper, and he asks, "Who is this?

Elephant

We received this from one of our more intellectual subscribers
this past week …

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Mama takes a deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

… and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

(If you need help understanding this, please find a 5 year old)

Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas
of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2
to $3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but
how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.’

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So, what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign … It reads, "I only need another
$10.00 to move back to Mexico."

Will I Live To Be 80?

I recently turned 70 and had to choose a new primary care physician
for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" he asked.

I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself."

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" he continued.

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?”

How Do I Get Into Heaven?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if
I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved
my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” I continued,
"then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Stolen Cocaine?

You know that truth is always funnier than fiction. The following
came to us with the footnote (and, don’t they always) saying “this
is a true story.” You read and decide …

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even
left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was "a generic
white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder." (That's at
least is the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the
Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to high grade
cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded
with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister,
Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer
known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The
cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes
remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted some of your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

Carol Wants a Bike

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making
dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good
time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she
thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of
course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell Him
why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up
the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl
this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and
started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan
had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said. Carol walked down
the street to the church and up to the Altar. She looked around to
see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary,
slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the
street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

"I got your Mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike."

Signed,
You Know Who

Man Laws 1-6

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the
temperature is unsuitable.

Man Laws 7-12

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s
birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate
at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

Billboard

I saw a billboard that said:


Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-555-3787...



Out of curiosity I called the number …a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

Can You Heal It?

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the TV and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, NOT TO RAISE THE DEAD!"

Best Inventor

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

The Lord recognized Arthur and commented, "So, you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes, that would be correct."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion,
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds,
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much,
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust,
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hummmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Too Tired to Care

The only seat available on the British train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary American soldier asked, "Ma'am, would you please move your dog. I’m very tired and need a seat."

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest. But after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant--Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've just thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

Hookup in a Bar

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a barstool.

He walks up behind her and says "Hi. How are you doing?"

Already having had a few drinks she turns around, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anyone, anywhere, anytime, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"

Question of the Day

The question of the day ……

QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

ANSWER: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Think Before You Speak

A female friend sent us this story about her last husband ……

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Curious

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Who Wins ?

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.

As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself, "At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite. What a laugh!"

That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite their suite. All night long all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room. He couldn't believe his ears.

In the morning he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at his age.

"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her clothes. Then..."

"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.

Grinning, the elderly husband replied, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."

"You make a BET?" exclaimed the bellhop. "What kind of bet?"

Smirking, the husband explained, "If it falls to the right, I win. If it falls to the left, she wins."

"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.

"Then we both win!" replied the husband.

No Balls

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

As the West Virginia State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, the woman said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the West Virginia State Police Ball."

He replied, "West Virginia State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

We Can Help

A massive earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is in ruins and the Government doesn't know where to start to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican Army control the riots.

The European Community is sending food, money and blankets.

The United States of America is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

Newly Weds

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks his bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door he opened it, exposing his body for the first time to his bride in the brightness of daylight.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What'sthat?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Argument Settled

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replies, " I can't believe that …… show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened it to show him at the top of several pages, that it indeed said.........."HEBREWS"

Conversion

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tunafish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The neighborhood men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was sitting down to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.

Midnight ?

How do you know when it's midnight in Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand's on the little hand..."

(Please do not ask us for an explanation. Even people in California understand this one.)

A Wise Man Once Said ...

An old friend sent us this one that belongs in the category of things a wise man may have once said ……

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

A Wise Man Said ...

Another wise man once said:

"A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."

Smart Car

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400. She returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" He spoke to the car radio, "Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say,"Beethoven," she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a older couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him.

"ASSHOLES!" she yelled, and the French National Anthem, sung by theDixie Chicks, began to play.

Let's Sue 'Em

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that is true."

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, Mister Lawyer?" Bubba asked.

"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"

Expensive Funeral

A woman's husband dies and she finds that he had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

Old and Forgetful

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch then left the restaurant after finishing their meal. The elderly woman left her glasses on the table but she didn't miss them until they were back on the road. By then, they had traveled quite a distance and even farther before they could find a place to turn around.

Her grouchy old husband fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the geezer yelled to her ........... "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat!"

Would You Remarry?

Here is a recap of a conversation we overheard recently while having dinner in a neighborhood restaurant ……

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she wear my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit..."

Blonde Bank Robbery

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.

The first blonde, Judy, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffie.

She goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes...

Two minutes pass...

Seven minutes pass and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Silver Curls

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verifyhis age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I’ll have to go home and come back later," he told her.

The woman instructed him, "Unbutton your shirt."

He follows her instructions revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processes his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She frowned and said, "You should have dropped your pants --you might have gotten disability, too."

Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agrees and they tie a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming?"

"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?" she shouted with excitement.

"No ...” he answered. “It's turned black."

Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we are going to live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the first nun points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk to the vendor's cart.

"Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The first nun opens hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Ring the Bell

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way to the door.

"Well," he huffed, "what do you want?"

With hands on hips she said, "So, like, why can't you ring the bell yourself?"

Old Saying

A wise man once said, “Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There is no use in two people remembering the same thing.”

Balance Problem

A man was injured in an industrial accident and was rushed to a doctor who determined that one of his testicles was crushed. The crushed testicle was removed and the man was assured that he would be fine and would have no complications.

Physically he was fine but mentally he knew he was lighter on one side than the other, which caused him to walk in circles.

After trying to overcome the problem without any luck he returned to the doctor very distraught. "Doc! You've got to help me. I am about to lose my job and my wife because of walking in circles!"

The doctor had never encountered such a problem. As he pondered it he went to his refrigerator for a snack. There he noticed an onion. Ha! He quickly measured the man's remaining testicle, peeled off layers of onion until the onion was exactly the same size as his testicle. A minor operation, and the man walked out of the office as straight as an arrow!

And to this day that man is normal - - - with two exceptions: When he sees a hamburger he gets an erection and when he pees, his eyes water.

Tax Dollars at Work

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions; a timekeeper, and a payroll officer. Then hired two people to fill the positions.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Final Request

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

After some time had passed, the lawyer finally asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."

Learning to be Postal

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, " Why yes. In fact I served two terms in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, “That works in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, but I want you to know that it doesn't affect my ability to work."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, and all that, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come in about 10 and we'll get you started."

The vet asks, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the Post Office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that."

Take Your Temp?

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Texas Phrases

Here is a short list of "Texasisms."
Feel free to us them to bewilder your Yankee friends.

Saying: The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.

Saying: Tighter than bark on a tree.
Translation: Not very generous.

Saying: All hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.

Saying: We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

Saying: He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

Saying: As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
Translation: (self-explanatory)

Saying: He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
Translation: Talks a lot.

Saying: It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here.

Saying: Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.

Saying: This ain't my first rodeo.
Translation: I've been around awhile.

Saying: He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.

Saying: They ate supper before they said grace.
Translation: They are living in sin.

Saying: As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.

Saying: You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Saying: Ain't no one ever starved a profit out of a cow.
Translation: You have to spend money to make money.