March 26, 2013
The Husband Store ...
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'But I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Investment Opportunity
Interested in an Investment Opportunity ...
I thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing very well.
He says prophets are going through the roof …
Thoughts on LIFE ...
EIGHT THOUGHTS ON LIFE:
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don’t see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a Person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4
Health Nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the Hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And … The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno Peppers - what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Isn't It Obvious ...
NASA’s robot “Curiosity” landed on Mars.
Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.
This makes it very clear that Men are NOT from Mars.
Too Smart for the 1st Grade
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
The boy continued to insist and Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1stgrade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment answered, "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why she asked such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry said, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.“
What Do YOU Want to Be?
A teacher asks the kids in her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Of course, the first hand up was Johnny’s. “Well Johnny,” said the teacher, very concerned about what he might say, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Johnny stood and looked around the room, "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari that costs over a million dollars, give her an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe along with an Infinite visa card and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. She looks around the room and says, “And you, Maria?”
Maria stood and said, “Ma’am, I have no doubt. I want to be Johnny's bitch.”
March 23, 2013
Senior Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking sad. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "But his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight,"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
As only a Mother could explain ...
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud ... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
What a Nagging Wife Deserves ...
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower she decided to relieve herself and sat on the freshly painted toilet seat. As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts so that she could stand up. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well Doctor. I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I've just never saw one MOUNTED and FRAMED before."
Advice for Women
Found on the wall in a women’s restroom …
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
And over the mirror in another women’s restroom …
You're too good for him …
From a women’s restroom in Dallas …
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.
You shoud be "in the know"
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.
Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.
In other news ... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.
Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
Just keeping you up to date!
A Story of Newlyweds
John and Nancy had just flown to their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach in Florida. They found their hotel room but decided to refresh themselves with a dip in the hotel pool.
Nancy must have dropped a few pounds due to the pre-wedding jitters, because each time she dove into the pool, she lost either the top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini. They had the pool to themselves, so they just laughed and retrieved the pieces, having fun as newlyweds would do.
Later they dressed for dinner and went down to the hotel restaurant. Waiting for a table in the dining room they sat in the lounge with all the other guests and ordered drinks. The bartender was exceptionally nice and was quite attentive to Nancy.
Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank. Curious, John asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?"
The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he glanced at Nancy and replied, "That's not a fish tank … it's the swimming pool."
Offering a Compliment
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."
And We Quote ...
We quote Frank Sinatra …
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
It Matters Who Drinks ...
Driving my friend Gary and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Gary's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Gary corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
Gather 'round the Christmas Tree
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asks the son.
'”Yes, you see them and they make you cry,” says the father with a bit of a smirk.
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” squeaks the daughter.
“Yes … the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!”
True Story?
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.
The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
How Many?
How many freshmen football players at the University of Miami does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
That's a sophomore course.
Snappy Comeback ...
For the ladies … when you need a snappy comeback
"Really … I’m not your type.
I’m not inflatable."
Another Snappy Comeback ...
Here’s another snappy comeback you’ll want to remember …"I’d tell you to go to hell … but I work there …
And I really don’t want to see you every day!"
Quick Comeback for her ...
If sex with 4 people is called a foursome;
And sex with 3 people is called a threesome;
And sex with 2 people is a twosome;
Now I understand why they call you handsome!
We'll Never Understand ...
I'll never ever understand women.
My dear wife hounded me for months and months to fix the damaged downspout of our gutter system.
But, when I finally fixed it, she was hopping mad!
Like I said, I guess I'll never ever understand women!
March 22, 2013
Listening at the Airport ...
This past week we spent some time in airports … just standing around waiting for a flight and waiting to be jammed into a sardine can for a couple of hours at a time. We spent some time listening in on other people’s conversations and picked up these gems …
A mother to her son …
You are NOT stupid. I just think that sometimes you have bad luck when thinking.
Two women talking …
I hate it when people say, “He’s a nice person once you get to know him. They might as well just say, he’s a total ass-wipe, but you’ll get used to it.
Two men having a political argument …
I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument that you are making.
One salesman to another …
My nickname is Laxative … I make shit happen!
A man to his wife …
I am NOT an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
I’m a drunk … we go to parties.
One flight attendant to another while waiting for their flight …
I want to like people, really I do … But they are just so damned stupid!
Eavesdropping can be fun and enlightening …
There are Blonde Men ...
A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because, I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Famous Quotes
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
March 13, 2013
Some Ting Wong ...
The box says, "Strawberries"
Firelane?
Really?
I love that group!
Ritght there on the 50 yard line?
Watermellon Corn?
WTF?
Folow Me!
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