A New Psalm

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT ....PSALM 2009

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Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American,

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog ...

And Obama was a tree.

Political Correctness

I don't know how you feel, but in my opinion most of this country's problems have been brought on by this "cancerous" state of mind called "politically correct." I don't recall having these problems back when things were called what they were.

For those who are still searching for the definition of political correctness, allow me to offer this opinion: "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Doctor Visit

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. Somewhat breathlessly he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing now?”

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Too Long to Know ...

A reader in Maryland sent us a lengthy list of, “Things it took me too long to learn.”

Here are the more important ones:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

5. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Nugent Interview

While on a European tour, Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."

Dear Sirs ....

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway.

**********

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle, all the time, on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

**********

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann

**********

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours as before,
Patrick Finnegan

Newspaper Classified

Farmington, UT 84025

For Sale - 2009 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the fu*k you want," doesn't mean what I thought.

Call Steve

Medical Problem

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great ... that's really great ... Some asshole's got my pen.”

Good Advice

Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."

The Order of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine thought for a moment and then said, "Bed Hard."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

How to Make Them Happy

How Men can Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36 . Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

Begger ...

At least this one is honest ...

Washington Fashion?

So the question is ... is this the latest in Washington DC Fashion ... or was this a party for the Mexican President and SHE was the pinata?






But seriously folks ... how did those military aids keep a straight face?

A Sign of the Times?

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis.

By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

We Feel So Much Safter ...

The Chiquita, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.