A Cowboy in Heaven

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and I yelled … Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?

The cowboy leaned over, spit and said, “Couple of minutes ago.”

Plans Scrubbed ...

We've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids was not a good product name.

A Damned Fine Explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

As you might expect, she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig," she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

So the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

New Government Regulations for 2011

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.

Products will now be labeled "no fat," "low fat," "reduced fat" and "fat, but with a great personality."

WHAT?

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat, yellow, lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny woman with big blue hair."

Traditional Christmas Greeting

To Our Liberal Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.


To Our Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Letter to Santa

A young girl wrote a simple letter to Santa,

"Dear Santa. Please send me a baby brother."


Santa wrote back …

"Send me your mama ..."

What is a Calorie?

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

Hot New Christmas Toy ...

Hot toy for 2010 Christmas. Only $9.99 + $199.95 tax

Touching Story ...

We overheard a touching conversation between a mother and her son ...

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that freakin’ party, you're lucky you don't bark!”

Just a Thought ...

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain.

Amazing Cane ...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Follow the Instructions ...

One of our fans sent us this list of “instructions” on product Packages, given to us poor, ignorant folks who need help with everything we do. We included our fan’s side comments …

On a bar of Dial soap - Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners - Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but its just a suggestion)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom) - Do not turn upside down. (Well…duh, a bit late)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron - Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that be a big time saver?)

On a Children’s Cough Medicine - Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (This one came from England. They don’t have child labor laws?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid - Warning: May Cause Drowsiness. (And I’m taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to…)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Is there a step 3?)

On a Swedish chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain saw with your hands or genitals. (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

How Old are You?

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you're 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Taser Tester

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety?

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference: pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best to explain it...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie our cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it dip shit." But reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

Your muscles contract from the first nanosecond and you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. How long did I zap myself? A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

Sometime later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head that I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Hotel Stay ...

I booked into the hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Think You Have Problems?

When you are down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS, just remember:

Somewhere in this world there is a MR. PELOSI.

(photo borrowed from fireandreamitchell.com)

New Boots

An elderly couple, Martha and David, moved to Texas.

David always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Martha looked him over and said, "Nope."

Frustrated, David stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Martha, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Martha looked up and exclaimed, "David, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, David yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARTHA?”

"Nope," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Martha replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, David ... Ya Shoulda bought a hat."