A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out … Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

A Pill for Every Need

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked, “How many do you want?”

The old fellow replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist told him, “That's too small a dose. That won't even get you through intimacy.”

The old gentleman leaned forward and whispered, “Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.”

How You Know You're In Redneck Land

Surprise Sex...

Restaurant Sign...

Christmas Stamps

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas.  She says to the postal clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us.  Has it come to this?  OK.  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

From the Pulpit

A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy.  One of the members in his congregation would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed. However, the congregant suggested that the minister should thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

The next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, the brandy maker sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches, and for the spirit in which they were given."

Christmas Facts

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year.  Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

Guess we should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Ain't it funny...

At the Bar...