So is this the dumbest illegal ever?
October 31, 2008
October 26, 2008
Perfect Frank
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
The passenger asks, "Who?"
The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
The passenger said, "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
The cabbie replied, "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
The passenger said, "Sounds like he was something really special."
The cabbie replied, "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But, Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
The passenger being quite impressed said, "Wow, some guy then, that Frank."
The cabbie siad, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
The passenger, being quite impressed said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
The cabbie replied, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."
The passenger asks, "Who?"
The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
The passenger said, "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
The cabbie replied, "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
The passenger said, "Sounds like he was something really special."
The cabbie replied, "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But, Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
The passenger being quite impressed said, "Wow, some guy then, that Frank."
The cabbie siad, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
The passenger, being quite impressed said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
The cabbie replied, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."
October 25, 2008
Retirement Bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
Bingo !
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length minkcoat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............ same "Won it at the bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............ same "Won it at the bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Wind Up Her Skirt
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
An older gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
An older gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Real Bravado
Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie; each with the bravado for which he is famous … a night of tall tales.
The cowboy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
The one from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot diamond-back rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."
The cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
The cowboy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
The one from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot diamond-back rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."
The cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Fishing Trip
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "Oh, I did. They're in your fishing tackle box.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "Oh, I did. They're in your fishing tackle box.”
Ouch !
A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.
Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?”
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"
Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?”
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"
Concerned About Aging
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 50, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in the third grade."
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in the third grade."
Don't Say It !
There are some things a man just shouldn’t say …
A woman was having trouble with the idea of turning 40 and was overly sensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs she pointed to her forehead. "Have you seen this?" she indignantly asked her husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
A woman was having trouble with the idea of turning 40 and was overly sensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs she pointed to her forehead. "Have you seen this?" she indignantly asked her husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
There are two ?
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the father says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Trying to be funny, the father says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
October 18, 2008
Big Discovery !
After all of the shouting and finger pointing, researchers have actually come up with .... a Pig in Lipstick ...
October 05, 2008
Gay Lovers
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first gay man said, "My Paul loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second gay man said, "My Hank was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third gay man said, "My Joel was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
The first gay man said, "My Paul loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second gay man said, "My Hank was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third gay man said, "My Joel was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Premature Problem ...
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
After some thought the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
After his appointment the man went to a store and bought himself a starter pistol. Excited to try the doctor’s suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the “69” position.
Within moments he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he pulled the starter pistol and fired it.
The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well, Doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my pecker and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
After some thought the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
After his appointment the man went to a store and bought himself a starter pistol. Excited to try the doctor’s suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the “69” position.
Within moments he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he pulled the starter pistol and fired it.
The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well, Doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my pecker and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
Serious Sgt Major
A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. I'm just serious by nature," the Marine answered.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations. "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action," he told her.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady asked him, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he told her seriously.
"Well, there you are, the young woman beamed. “You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sgt. Major glanced at his watch and said, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. I'm just serious by nature," the Marine answered.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations. "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action," he told her.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady asked him, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he told her seriously.
"Well, there you are, the young woman beamed. “You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sgt. Major glanced at his watch and said, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
Circle Flies
A cowboy in Oklahoma got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with them Circle Flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of Circle Flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with them Circle Flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of Circle Flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Sensitive Marine
Three Marine pilots were flying in formation on a routine training flight: Bill, Ken and Ted.
Bill stalls out on final and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ken says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Ted says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Ken says, "Where did you get the beer, Ted?"
"Bill's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Ted says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Bill's widow.'"
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Bill stalls out on final and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ken says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Ted says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Ken says, "Where did you get the beer, Ted?"
"Bill's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Ted says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Bill's widow.'"
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Careful What You Say ...
As you know, we celebrate being Politically Incorrect. This next story certainly proves it.
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big man replied, "Something about a job."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big man replied, "Something about a job."
Smell the Blood ...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't!"
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't!"
October 04, 2008
Little Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Telephone Conversation with a Jewish Mother
Daughter (on the phone): Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
Two Drunk Wives
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with and decided she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with and decided she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Clever Bob ...
Bob, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are rocked by this news and ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
One of his confused friends asked, "What do you mean? Didyou tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are rocked by this news and ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
One of his confused friends asked, "What do you mean? Didyou tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Slight Misunderstanding
Bobby was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Ann Marie, to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Ann Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joey, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joey was finished, Ann Marie asked how much for the teapot.
Joey replied, "That's silver and the price is $100."
"My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Ann Marie exclaimed. Then she described the hinge that Bobby had sent her to buy and Joey went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Joey yelled, "Ann Marie, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Ann Marie replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Moral: You should never send a woman to a hardware store.
At the hardware store, Ann Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joey, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joey was finished, Ann Marie asked how much for the teapot.
Joey replied, "That's silver and the price is $100."
"My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Ann Marie exclaimed. Then she described the hinge that Bobby had sent her to buy and Joey went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Joey yelled, "Ann Marie, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Ann Marie replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Moral: You should never send a woman to a hardware store.
October 03, 2008
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