February 26, 2012
February 25, 2012
A Plan for the Future
For two years an man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey!" she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatball … two without ... Send Extra Sauce
Help from my wife ...
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ...
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Advice from my broker ...
I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are going to be rising as they did during the late 70's early 80's.
I told him I thought we ought to be looking into getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest. I asked if we should move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?
He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer ... canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."
Just thought I'd pass that along today.
What Do You Need?
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
The first child announced, "A computer."
The teacher replied, "That would be very useful."
The second student said, "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and said, "At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asked him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replied, "Nope … I'm sure. Last night at dinner my sister said that she was pregnant and I remember my daddy said, ‘Well, that's the last damned thing we needed.’”
9 Months After the Ski Trip
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Kevin. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm they were driving past. They found an attractive lady who answered the door and asked if they could spend the night.
“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Kevin and asked, “Kevin, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”
“Sure, I do.” said Kevin.
“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, yes!” Kevin said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Kevin's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Because she just died and left me everything.”
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm they were driving past. They found an attractive lady who answered the door and asked if they could spend the night.
“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Kevin and asked, “Kevin, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”
“Sure, I do.” said Kevin.
“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, yes!” Kevin said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Kevin's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Because she just died and left me everything.”
Condoms for Donald
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
In Case I Die ...
On lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful. We were sitting around the breakfast table when I unexpectedly said, “When I die, I want you to sell all of my stuff … immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“Well,” I said, “A woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and finally said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“Well,” I said, “A woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and finally said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
February 08, 2012
Polish Hunting Trip
Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both ... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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