Nothing Like a Good Education ...

This was sent to us by an individual who is obviously very interested in education. He is one of those people that believes who believes that students today are being “dumbed down” in order to get them through school. As proof of his position he submitted to us some questions and answers from recently submitted GED exams. You be the judge …

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (really … you can’t argue with that)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head.

Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. Then with a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?"

"Jeez Cletus … ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

Billy Bob looked around and spoke softly, "Now don't be tellin' nobody 'cause it's embarrassin'. You see, me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department. So, I went to see a Therapist and he toll me that I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “The restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he said.

I was impressed.

Later I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out ... how do you put it back without touching it?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others … but I use the spoon.”

Blonde Windows?

A year ago a blonde was convinced to buy some replacement windows for her house. They were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

She received a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed an entire year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

The blonde said, “Hellloooo … Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.”

She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year that … “In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!”

“Helllooooo?” she said again. “It's been a year.”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.

The contractor never called back ... and she thought to herself, “I bet he felt like an idiot.”

Story of an Old Sailor

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more … just for old time’s sake.

He stops in at the house of pleasures that he had frequented so many times in his younger years and engages a prostitute who takes him up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can, for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks the woman, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks. “What's that supposed to mean?”

She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!”

Smart Kids ...

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Timmy, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Timmy. "How could he? He only had two worms."

Birthday Gift

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks, “It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's balls.”

Political Science for Dummies ...

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons and grow poppies to make drugs to buy more weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Best Bar Sign ... EVER

What every wife has been needing ...

Big Story of 2011

Without a doubt, the biggest news story of 2011 was the death of Osama Bin Laden.

We bring you now a photo of the marker by his grave site ...

Hooter's Research

The extensive research concerning Hooters has just been completed:

Two things about Hooters are absolutely clear:

9 out of 10 men prefer women with big hooters ...

and the 10th guy prefers the other 9 guys.

OMG explained ...

Bi-Partisan approved ...

.... Available in all sizes ...

........ Get one while supplies last!

Over 70 Texting ...

To help you understand the older generation, we're supplying you with their texting codes so that you aren't confused.


OLD PEOPLE TEXTING CODES:

ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
TTYL - talk to you LOUDER
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up!

Another "Sign" of the Times ...

This just about sums it up ... don't you think?

Here's Your Sign ... Again

Things are a little easier down in Alabama ...