Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess ...“Will you marry me?”The Princess said “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.The End
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol of Pelosium is PU.Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
On Sale Labor Day in a store near you ...
Friendship between Women:A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 closest friends. None of them knew anything about it.Friendship between Men:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 closest friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over and two that said he was still there.
A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong.One who loves to listen long.One who thinks before he speaks.One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed.When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.A MAN'S LOVE POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac withhuge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,and loves to send me fishing and hunting. Thisdoesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I've some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order.”The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.”After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”The woman took another sip of her martini and said to her daughter,“I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone!”
Our purpose here at www.Funn-E-Stuff.com is to bring humor into the lives of our otherwise humorless readers. Also, from time to time, we like to pass on a little knowledge because we know that most of you have so little time to read and study. So, today we bring you … Three Great Religious Truths1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of Christianity3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it inplace."Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."All the men sighed with relief and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN ... the word is STERNUM!
What is the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?Answer: One less drunk at the funeral.
