An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm not Catholic ... I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "Are you kidding? I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!"
August 23, 2008
Muldoon's Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, don'tcha know. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father, and I'll be thankin' ya. But let me be askin' ya one other question. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, don'tcha know. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father, and I'll be thankin' ya. But let me be askin' ya one other question. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Seven Lemons
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No," the priest said, "But it will wipe that smile off of your face."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No," the priest said, "But it will wipe that smile off of your face."
August 22, 2008
August 21, 2008
Best Sign Award Goes To ....
Now THIS ... is the kind of useful information you generally don't get
from a hospital
from a hospital
August 17, 2008
How to Pronounce ... Okla Homa
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma
The proper way is: Okla . . . Homa (There's a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.)
See the reason below ...
Got It ?
The proper way is: Okla . . . Homa (There's a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.)
See the reason below ...
Got It ?
August 09, 2008
August 03, 2008
Brazilian ?
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Dinner With the Pastor
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Donald & Daisy
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
Cowboy Sex ...
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping."
She replies, "Oh, I see."
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses … they're roping."
She replies, "Oh, I see."
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's manhood.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," he chuckles proudly, "That's ma' rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter baby, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "Undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping."
She replies, "Oh, I see."
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses … they're roping."
She replies, "Oh, I see."
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's manhood.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," he chuckles proudly, "That's ma' rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter baby, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "Undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
20 Year Habit ...
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy … you explain the kids."
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy … you explain the kids."
I Don't Wanna ....
It was 7:30 AM and his mom opened up the bedroom door. "Time to get up, Eddie."
Not lifting his head from the pillow Eddie said, "But I don't wanna!"
Eddie's mom, Mrs. Macleary replied, "Too bad, get up. It's time for school."
Lifting his head slightly but not looking away from the pillow, Eddie said, "But I hate school. The kids hate me, the teachers hate me. Can't I be sick today, please?"
"You know you can't, Eddie," came the reply. "You're the principal!"
Not lifting his head from the pillow Eddie said, "But I don't wanna!"
Eddie's mom, Mrs. Macleary replied, "Too bad, get up. It's time for school."
Lifting his head slightly but not looking away from the pillow, Eddie said, "But I hate school. The kids hate me, the teachers hate me. Can't I be sick today, please?"
"You know you can't, Eddie," came the reply. "You're the principal!"
Senior Special
A senior couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," said the wife. "But, I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the woman asked incredulously. She thought a second and then said, "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?" asked the waitress.
"Raw and in the shell," smiled the older woman. And she took the two eggs home.
"Sounds good," said the wife. "But, I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the woman asked incredulously. She thought a second and then said, "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?" asked the waitress.
"Raw and in the shell," smiled the older woman. And she took the two eggs home.
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