A New Ring!

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique," said the older gentleman.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe.  "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000," he said as he held out the rock.

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the older man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow.  I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the older man. "You old fool,” the jeweler said. “You lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know," the old guy said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

I'll just sit on the porch...

John's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir.

From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start on a song, John would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, John?  Don't you like my singing?"

“Certainly I do, Honey,” John replied, "I love your singing, but when you practice I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

The English Language

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not… a Congress!

Police Alert!

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. 

The police are looking into it.

A Little Like Billy Joel?

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. 

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. “I was a Navy F-4 pilot off the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours while in port, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.  So, why not give him a try. 

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. 

The bartender took the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You," he said.  After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."   

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song, and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby; It's Foggy Out Tonight, and I Need To See The Centerline," excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Flyboy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!”

Dad Can Help...

“I've got a question, Mom,” said the 10-year old boy.  “The guys at school are using words I don't understand.”

“What words, dear?” the mother asked.

“Pussy and bitch.”

Mom inhaled sharply but then said, “Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our Snowflake. A bitch is a female dog, like our Greta.”

“Thanks, Mom,” he said and then headed out to the garage to find his father.

“Dad, the guys at school, are using words I don't understand.”

“What words, son?” asked the curious Father.

“Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning.”

Dad said, “Son, never ask your mother about these kinds of things. Ask me instead.”

After checking to see that his wife was not within sight, he said to his son, “Let me explain it like this.” He pulled an old Playboy magazine from his workbench drawer, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, “Son, everything inside the circle is pussy.”

“Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?”

Dad replied, “Everything outside the circle!”

Here's Your Sign!

Just a Warning...

The Secret is Out!

Good 'Come Back'

They Were Made For Each Other

Taking a Woman to Bed...

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story?  What bed?  Who the hell are you?

Good News & Bad News

A lawyer says to the wealthy Senator from Illinois, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The Senator replies, “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says, “Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she feels are worth a minimum of $2 to 3 million dollars.”

The Senator replies enthusiastically, “Well done. That’s very good news indeed! You’ve made my day.  Now, what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Not Always What They Seem...

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied, "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained.  "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Ask Betty

The Only One?

Good Judgement...

Joe Just Can't Help Himself!

Was it Really a Good Idea?

Why Some Men Have Dogs Rather Than a Wife

Why some men have dogs and not wives.

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

If you want to test this theory, lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you!

So, How About This?

When one tries to “reason” with a Democrat, remember you are dealing with a person that believes that a man can be a woman and a woman can be a man and that such a delusion should be encouraged, not discouraged. Discouragement of the delusion is considered immoral and bigoted. Thus our society has unnecessary dilemmas concerning bathrooms, athletic competition at all levels, and “pronoun” controversies subjecting ourselves to all manner of laws, rules, regulations and more needless government control.

So, how about this…

President Trump should make a declaration that he is identifying as a woman. The left will have to admit the absurdity of their gender ideology or accept and celebrate “Donna Trump” as the first woman President, thus beating Hillary, Liz Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, and Kirsten Gillibrand to the glorious goal of one of their “female firsts.”

Furthermore, if he remains married to Melania, he will also be the first gay president and the first lesbian president. In addition, he’ll be the first lesbian president married to an immigrant! What a most glorious event for the Democrats to celebrate.

Ummmmm... Joe?

Ain't It True?