December 25, 2008
December 15, 2008
December 12, 2008
Spread the Wealth
New "Spread the Wealth" pencil sharpener.
Every US taxpayer will be mailed one of these with the new 2008 IRS tax forms ...
Every US taxpayer will be mailed one of these with the new 2008 IRS tax forms ...
December 11, 2008
December 05, 2008
Keen Eye
The US Military has begun assigning dogs to all snipers in the field
Because of their keen eyesight
Lucky Hat
My considerate, loving husband invited me to go hunting with him, and being the generous, thoughtful man that he is,h e even gave me an 'opening day' present.
I'm so lucky to be married to him---
I never thought I'd find a husband so unselfishand willing to share his "guy time."
November 30, 2008
Christmas is Tight This Year
My dear friends,
It is somewhat embarrassing to admit, but I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year.
I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes.
You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.
Awaiting your response as it is crucial that I get the right size for each of you.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
November 29, 2008
Speech Impediment
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
(if you don’t know who Jimmy Durante is … ask someone over 50)
- Jimmy Durante
(if you don’t know who Jimmy Durante is … ask someone over 50)
Difference ...
After talking with a friend that is preparing for a lengthy trip on his motorcycle we were reminded of this quick one …
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
New Supermarket
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackling.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackling.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
Too Well Trained
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
Fascinate
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Sharon has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Sharon has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Navajo on the Moon
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people, "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elders message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people, "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elders message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
A Cow from Illinois
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
Bless the Horse
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quickstop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
He was dumbfounded and made his way to the track. When he found the priest, he demanded, ”What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Non-believers … You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quickstop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
He was dumbfounded and made his way to the track. When he found the priest, he demanded, ”What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Non-believers … You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Old Fart Baby
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. She was discharged from the hospital and went home.
Very soon her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit fora while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another fifteen minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the new mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" the mother shouted at them.
They demanded to know why they had to wait until the baby cried.
"BECAUSE,” she said. “I forgot where I put him."
Very soon her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit fora while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another fifteen minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the new mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" the mother shouted at them.
They demanded to know why they had to wait until the baby cried.
"BECAUSE,” she said. “I forgot where I put him."
Is Sex Work?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority … a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In otherwords, he goes to a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi speaks softly, but with great assurance, "My son, this thing I know … If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority … a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In otherwords, he goes to a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi speaks softly, but with great assurance, "My son, this thing I know … If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Quoting Lillian
We stumbled across this quote from the mother of ex-President Jimmy Carter:
“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian …you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian …you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
Fly a Kite
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Strong Bartender
The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, including some professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter … what?"
The little fella replied, "I work for the IRS."
Many people had tried over time, including some professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter … what?"
The little fella replied, "I work for the IRS."
A Push?
A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on their door.
The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.
"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!”
He slamed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The husband is properly shamed, gets dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" he called out to the stranger.
"Yes, please!” came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asked the husband while rain ran into his eyes.
Then he heard the reply, "Over here. On the swing!"
The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.
"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!”
He slamed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The husband is properly shamed, gets dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" he called out to the stranger.
"Yes, please!” came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asked the husband while rain ran into his eyes.
Then he heard the reply, "Over here. On the swing!"
Priorities
As we age, our priorities change.
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple ofshort velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went to the golf course.
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple ofshort velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went to the golf course.
Turner Brown
A skinny little white guy went into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, TurnerBrown."
The little white man fainted and fell to the floor.
The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude replied, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy said, "Turner Brown? Oh my gawd, I thought you said, "Turn around."
The little white man fainted and fell to the floor.
The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude replied, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy said, "Turner Brown? Oh my gawd, I thought you said, "Turn around."
Japanese Wife
A young Japanese woman had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pickup her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Awe, So sorry...excuse please. Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
She looked up and said, "Awe, So sorry...excuse please. Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
Another Jewish Mother
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
The son then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?” he says.
“Simple,” the Jewish mother replies. "I don't like her."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
The son then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?” he says.
“Simple,” the Jewish mother replies. "I don't like her."
Gentile Jokes
Have you ever wondered why there are not Gentile jokes? We have a never ending supply of Jewish stories, but never a good Gentile joke. In researching that topic we received the following in way of explanation from the Great Randu …
Here are some gentile jokes …
A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "Its $500."
The gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
^^^^
Two gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
^^^^
Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother #1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother #2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
^^^^
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
^^^^
A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says, "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter asks, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says, "I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
^^^^
A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, "Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling.”
AND NOW … you know why there are no gentile jokes.
Here are some gentile jokes …
A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "Its $500."
The gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
^^^^
Two gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
^^^^
Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother #1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother #2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
^^^^
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
^^^^
A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says, "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter asks, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says, "I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
^^^^
A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, "Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling.”
AND NOW … you know why there are no gentile jokes.
Management Lesson
John desperately wanted to have sex with a woman in his office, but she was married and just wasn’t interested in an affair.
One day John got so frustrated he called her into his office and said, "I'll give you a $1,000 if you let me have sex with you."
Without hesitation she replied, “NO.”
"I'll be fast,” he told her. “I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down. I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
Weakening somewhat she said, "I'll have to ask my husband." She pulled out her cell phone, called her husband and told him the story.
Her husband thought for about two seconds, excited about the idea of some easy money, and then replied, "Ask him for $2,000. When he throws it on the floor, quickly pick up the money and run. He won't even be able to get his pants down.
So with her husband’s agreement she accepted the proposal. Half an hour later her husband still hadn't heard from her. So he called, and called, and called. No answer.
Finally after a long hour she answered.
"What happened?" her husband asked anxiously.
"The bastard used coins."
Management Lesson - "Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it. Otherwise, you might get screwed."
One day John got so frustrated he called her into his office and said, "I'll give you a $1,000 if you let me have sex with you."
Without hesitation she replied, “NO.”
"I'll be fast,” he told her. “I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down. I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
Weakening somewhat she said, "I'll have to ask my husband." She pulled out her cell phone, called her husband and told him the story.
Her husband thought for about two seconds, excited about the idea of some easy money, and then replied, "Ask him for $2,000. When he throws it on the floor, quickly pick up the money and run. He won't even be able to get his pants down.
So with her husband’s agreement she accepted the proposal. Half an hour later her husband still hadn't heard from her. So he called, and called, and called. No answer.
Finally after a long hour she answered.
"What happened?" her husband asked anxiously.
"The bastard used coins."
Management Lesson - "Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it. Otherwise, you might get screwed."
November 23, 2008
Passport Please
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The old fellow admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" snorted the pompous customs man.
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The old fellow admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" snorted the pompous customs man.
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
Look What I Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago.
"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it’s Adam's underwear!"
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago.
"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it’s Adam's underwear!"
Big Breakthrough ...
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Shall We Dance?
A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.
A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, ain't you? From the East?"
"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."
"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "Can you dance? If not, I'm about to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector’s feet.
Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf.
About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.
Holding the large gun was the little prospector who said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?"
"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."
A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, ain't you? From the East?"
"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."
"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "Can you dance? If not, I'm about to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector’s feet.
Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf.
About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.
Holding the large gun was the little prospector who said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?"
"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."
Expensive Doc
Jerry had had it. Finally, worried to death, he went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much will that cost me?" Jerry asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry, wondering how he could afford the cost but knowing that he needed the help.
Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well.... Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year was an awful lot of money! I found a bartender who cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so,” said the shrink. “And How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much will that cost me?" Jerry asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry, wondering how he could afford the cost but knowing that he needed the help.
Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well.... Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year was an awful lot of money! I found a bartender who cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so,” said the shrink. “And How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
What's Your Name?
A man (probably a lawyer) scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he told her. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He sipped his drink and replied, "WhiskyTits."
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he told her. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He sipped his drink and replied, "WhiskyTits."
It's Bad for Me
A guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself. "May I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs," she said.
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell," he asked
"No,” she told him. “They spread."
"No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs," she said.
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell," he asked
"No,” she told him. “They spread."
Think it Over
Two guys from Daniels County are sittin' in a boat at Fort Peck, Montana, fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden one of them says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
After a lengthy pause the second fellow sips his beer and says, "You better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."
After a lengthy pause the second fellow sips his beer and says, "You better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."
Rodeo Exhibits
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See, he mated 50 times last year. That's almost once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this big guy."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if he did it each time with the same cow."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See, he mated 50 times last year. That's almost once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this big guy."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if he did it each time with the same cow."
November 16, 2008
Pro Choice ...
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight over Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him.
Then the attendant asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him.
Then the attendant asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Young Doctor
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 67 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 67 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Special Appointment
Sitting at the table at the neighborhood Starbucks, one woman relates this story to her friend …
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early on Monday morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30 AM appointment was available and, of course, I took it.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office takes about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t even going to have time for a bath. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Pairs or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond because I had no idea what he was talking about and just wanted to get this over with and get out.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
"No!" she yelled back at me. "I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early on Monday morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30 AM appointment was available and, of course, I took it.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office takes about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t even going to have time for a bath. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Pairs or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond because I had no idea what he was talking about and just wanted to get this over with and get out.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
"No!" she yelled back at me. "I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Redneck Education
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
November 13, 2008
Speeding
I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
November 09, 2008
Political Differences
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes." So the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy overthere?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
Then as Jesus began to walk toward the Democrat the man jumped upand shouted, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability."
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy overthere?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
Then as Jesus began to walk toward the Democrat the man jumped upand shouted, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability."
Understanding the Military
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Where Would You Be ...
Where would you be if:
1) You have all the money your heart desires ...
2) You have no worries ...
3) You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you ...
4) Your bathwater has been run ...
5) You have the perfect kids ...
6) Your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses ...
So where would you be? In the wrong fucking house ...
1) You have all the money your heart desires ...
2) You have no worries ...
3) You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you ...
4) Your bathwater has been run ...
5) You have the perfect kids ...
6) Your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses ...
So where would you be? In the wrong fucking house ...
How Do You ...
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, “BINGO!”
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, “BINGO!”
Fast Thinking Pays Off
Last night, my blonde friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
Advice to Parents
Tough Love vs. Spanking -
Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
November 08, 2008
October 31, 2008
October 26, 2008
Perfect Frank
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
The passenger asks, "Who?"
The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
The passenger said, "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
The cabbie replied, "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
The passenger said, "Sounds like he was something really special."
The cabbie replied, "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But, Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
The passenger being quite impressed said, "Wow, some guy then, that Frank."
The cabbie siad, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
The passenger, being quite impressed said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
The cabbie replied, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."
The passenger asks, "Who?"
The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
The passenger said, "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
The cabbie replied, "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
The passenger said, "Sounds like he was something really special."
The cabbie replied, "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But, Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
The passenger being quite impressed said, "Wow, some guy then, that Frank."
The cabbie siad, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
The passenger, being quite impressed said, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
The cabbie replied, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."
October 25, 2008
Retirement Bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
Bingo !
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length minkcoat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............ same "Won it at the bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............ same "Won it at the bingo!"
Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Wind Up Her Skirt
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
An older gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
An older gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Real Bravado
Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie; each with the bravado for which he is famous … a night of tall tales.
The cowboy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
The one from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot diamond-back rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."
The cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
The cowboy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
The one from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot diamond-back rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."
The cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Fishing Trip
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "Oh, I did. They're in your fishing tackle box.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "Oh, I did. They're in your fishing tackle box.”
Ouch !
A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.
Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?”
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"
Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?”
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"
Concerned About Aging
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 50, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in the third grade."
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in the third grade."
Don't Say It !
There are some things a man just shouldn’t say …
A woman was having trouble with the idea of turning 40 and was overly sensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs she pointed to her forehead. "Have you seen this?" she indignantly asked her husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
A woman was having trouble with the idea of turning 40 and was overly sensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs she pointed to her forehead. "Have you seen this?" she indignantly asked her husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
There are two ?
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the father says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Trying to be funny, the father says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
October 18, 2008
Big Discovery !
After all of the shouting and finger pointing, researchers have actually come up with .... a Pig in Lipstick ...
October 05, 2008
Gay Lovers
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first gay man said, "My Paul loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second gay man said, "My Hank was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third gay man said, "My Joel was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
The first gay man said, "My Paul loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second gay man said, "My Hank was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third gay man said, "My Joel was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Premature Problem ...
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
After some thought the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
After his appointment the man went to a store and bought himself a starter pistol. Excited to try the doctor’s suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the “69” position.
Within moments he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he pulled the starter pistol and fired it.
The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well, Doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my pecker and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
After some thought the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
After his appointment the man went to a store and bought himself a starter pistol. Excited to try the doctor’s suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the “69” position.
Within moments he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he pulled the starter pistol and fired it.
The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well, Doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my pecker and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
Serious Sgt Major
A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. I'm just serious by nature," the Marine answered.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations. "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action," he told her.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady asked him, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he told her seriously.
"Well, there you are, the young woman beamed. “You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sgt. Major glanced at his watch and said, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. I'm just serious by nature," the Marine answered.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations. "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action," he told her.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady asked him, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he told her seriously.
"Well, there you are, the young woman beamed. “You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sgt. Major glanced at his watch and said, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
Circle Flies
A cowboy in Oklahoma got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with them Circle Flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of Circle Flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with them Circle Flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of Circle Flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Sensitive Marine
Three Marine pilots were flying in formation on a routine training flight: Bill, Ken and Ted.
Bill stalls out on final and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ken says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Ted says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Ken says, "Where did you get the beer, Ted?"
"Bill's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Ted says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Bill's widow.'"
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Bill stalls out on final and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ken says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Ted says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Ken says, "Where did you get the beer, Ted?"
"Bill's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Ted says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Bill's widow.'"
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Careful What You Say ...
As you know, we celebrate being Politically Incorrect. This next story certainly proves it.
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big man replied, "Something about a job."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big man replied, "Something about a job."
Smell the Blood ...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't!"
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't!"
October 04, 2008
Little Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Telephone Conversation with a Jewish Mother
Daughter (on the phone): Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
Two Drunk Wives
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with and decided she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with and decided she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Clever Bob ...
Bob, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are rocked by this news and ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
One of his confused friends asked, "What do you mean? Didyou tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are rocked by this news and ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
One of his confused friends asked, "What do you mean? Didyou tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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