A mother was very concerned over a paper her 7-year old brought home from school. On one page the child was asked what he would like to learn about.
Her son had written in large letters: IN SEX
She was quite startled until she realized that he meant "insects."
She gave him a book about insects and a bag of plastic bugs.
March 23, 2008
What Does Your Daddy Do ...
Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
With some reluctance David said, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David. "He really works for the Elect Hillary Clinton Committee, but I was too embarrassed to tell the truth in front of the other kids."
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
With some reluctance David said, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David. "He really works for the Elect Hillary Clinton Committee, but I was too embarrassed to tell the truth in front of the other kids."
Politics
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Lion Tamer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man says, "No problem. Just get that lion out of the way."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man says, "No problem. Just get that lion out of the way."
Ruth & Golda
Two Jewish sisters-in-law (Ruth and Golda) meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irvingis finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry, Ruthie! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry, Ruthie! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
Grouchy Mom
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!”
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
March 22, 2008
Ladder to Success
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
Sign of Spring
With Spring officially here, we wanted to pass on this Gardening tip ……
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Under the Table
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down this chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman looked up and calmly replied, "No he didn't. That's him just walking in the door."
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down this chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman looked up and calmly replied, "No he didn't. That's him just walking in the door."
Drunk in a Biker Bar
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"
New Bartender
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. Listening intently to the robot the customer thought, "This is really cool."
Then he decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.
Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
This time the customer responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Then he decided to go out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "50."
The robot leaned over and asked, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for Hillary Clinton?"
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. Listening intently to the robot the customer thought, "This is really cool."
Then he decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.
Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
This time the customer responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Then he decided to go out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "50."
The robot leaned over and asked, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for Hillary Clinton?"
It's a Mitzvah
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the rebbetzin, was so disconsolate, the people of the town decided she ought to get married again, but the town was so small the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex." So they did.
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother said before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend, who asked, "Nu, so how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."
The poor rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex." So they did.
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother said before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend, who asked, "Nu, so how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."
Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary . . "
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida."
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary . . "
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida."
Old Maid
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had requested.
The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had requested.
The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Moishe Plotnik
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry and could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask me that. It's name of the owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
The old man responded, "Sure. That ME!"
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I standing in line at the Documentation Center of Immigration. The man in front of me was Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and say, "What isyou name?" He say, "Moishe Plotnik."
Then woman look at me and say, "What you name?"
And I said, "Sam Ting."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry and could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask me that. It's name of the owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
The old man responded, "Sure. That ME!"
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I standing in line at the Documentation Center of Immigration. The man in front of me was Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and say, "What isyou name?" He say, "Moishe Plotnik."
Then woman look at me and say, "What you name?"
And I said, "Sam Ting."
Difficult Treatment
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
The woman replied, "On my testicles."
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
The woman replied, "On my testicles."
In the 60's
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Troubling Prescription
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Training Program
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee"
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to cleanup, disappear for rest of day."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to cleanup, disappear for rest of day."
Birthday Gift
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fiftieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like for your birthday, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
He says, "So what would you like for your birthday, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Three Drinkers ...
A Mexican drinks his Tecate and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camelshit beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.
He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camelshit beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.
He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
One Has to Go
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Carol or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Carol came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, "Carol, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
Carol replied, "Could you just jack off? I feel like shit."
Carol came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, "Carol, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
Carol replied, "Could you just jack off? I feel like shit."
Blonde Drinker
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that?" the host asked.
Her reply, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks, anyone can!"
"Why is that?" the host asked.
Her reply, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks, anyone can!"
March 20, 2008
A New Old Saying ...
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
At The Ball Park
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The crowd roared and Bill turned and waved to them.
The same secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President, Sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said they want you to throw out the first pitch."
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The crowd roared and Bill turned and waved to them.
The same secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President, Sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said they want you to throw out the first pitch."
When They Were Young
Little Hillary usually slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Hillary, who created the universe?"
When Hillary didn't stir, Little Billy, who was seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Hillary.
The Nun said, "Very good" and Hillary fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked Hillary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?”
Hillary didn't even stir from her slumber. So, once again, little Billy came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Hillary.
The Nun said, "Very Good" and Hillary fell back asleep.
Then the Nun asked Hillary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again Hillary didn't stir and Billy came to the rescue.
This time Hillary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!”
... and the Nun fainted.
When Hillary didn't stir, Little Billy, who was seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Hillary.
The Nun said, "Very good" and Hillary fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked Hillary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?”
Hillary didn't even stir from her slumber. So, once again, little Billy came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Hillary.
The Nun said, "Very Good" and Hillary fell back asleep.
Then the Nun asked Hillary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again Hillary didn't stir and Billy came to the rescue.
This time Hillary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!”
... and the Nun fainted.
Miss Him in Canada
I just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian on the show who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women.
Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't … And, he gets a check from the government every month."
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women.
Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't … And, he gets a check from the government every month."
Blonde Counselor
Buffy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Buffy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Buffy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Buffy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Buffy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Buffy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Buffy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Buffy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Buffy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Is There a Problem ?
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Pet Fish
A game warden in Southern Louisiana recently stopped a Cajun with two ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
”Naw, ma'fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish," theCajun told the officer.
"Pet fish?" questioned the Warden.
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dese ice chests and I take dem back home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" stated the Warden.
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I can show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!" yelled the Warden.
"WHAT fish?"
”Naw, ma'fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish," theCajun told the officer.
"Pet fish?" questioned the Warden.
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dese ice chests and I take dem back home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" stated the Warden.
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I can show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!" yelled the Warden.
"WHAT fish?"
Tree Hugger in Trouble
A lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureauof Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureauof Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."
March 17, 2008
Go to Heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want togo to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want togo to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Lesser Known Laws
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Take Pity on Me ...
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one meself.”
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one meself.”
Fight With the Wife ...
Walking into the pub, Mike said to Murphy the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Murphy, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Murphy, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chickenshit.”
"Oh yeah?" said Murphy, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Murphy, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chickenshit.”
Paddy in New York
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,"Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,"Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
March 16, 2008
Try This Experiment
O’Malley and Murphy were in the pub having a pint and their usual disagreement.
Murphy was holding forth that the dog was man’s best friend.
Because they would argue over absolutely anything, O’Malley challenged him to prove his statement while contending that a man’s best friend would certainly be his own wife.
“If you don't believe me,” Murphy said. “Just try this experiment.”
“Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!”
Murphy was holding forth that the dog was man’s best friend.
Because they would argue over absolutely anything, O’Malley challenged him to prove his statement while contending that a man’s best friend would certainly be his own wife.
“If you don't believe me,” Murphy said. “Just try this experiment.”
“Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!”
March 15, 2008
Priestly Driving
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Can't Come In ...
Employee, "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss, "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee, "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
Boss, "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee, "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
Beautiful Cake
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She thought to herself, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Then Alice gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold, and Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, ... I baked it myself."
She thought to herself, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Then Alice gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold, and Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, ... I baked it myself."
Missing Husbands
Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up.
"It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
"Well," said a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where myhusband is."
"How do you manage that?" the other two women asked.
"Easy," she replied. "I'm a widow."
"It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
"Well," said a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where myhusband is."
"How do you manage that?" the other two women asked.
"Easy," she replied. "I'm a widow."
West Viginia Hunters
A group of West Virginia friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
West "By God" Virginia
A senior at The University of West Virginia was overheard saying ... "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia."
When asked why he stated, “'cause everything here happens 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.”
When asked why he stated, “'cause everything here happens 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.”
Tree Hugger
Walking through the woods in Arkansas, a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," says the tree hugger.
"You gotta be kiddin' me," says the first man.
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK," says the first fellow and he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
The first fellow tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.
While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't your day, is it?"
Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," says the tree hugger.
"You gotta be kiddin' me," says the first man.
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK," says the first fellow and he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
The first fellow tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.
While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't your day, is it?"
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Arkansas pig farmer whose hand was caught in a gate while working the hogs, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to former Arkansas First Lady, Hillary Clinton, her elevation to U.S. Senator, and her hope to be U.S. president. The old pig farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hillary is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that is a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get there by herself, she doesn't belong there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just want to help the dumb ass get down."
Eventually the topic got around to former Arkansas First Lady, Hillary Clinton, her elevation to U.S. Senator, and her hope to be U.S. president. The old pig farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hillary is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that is a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get there by herself, she doesn't belong there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just want to help the dumb ass get down."
March 14, 2008
Longitude & Latitude
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading ...
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude ...?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude ...?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
If You Were ......
At a party, Hillary Clinton walks up to governor Arnold Schwarzengger and told him, "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
Schwarzenegger replied, "If you were my wife, I would drink it."
Schwarzenegger replied, "If you were my wife, I would drink it."
Two Sisters at Home ...
A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" the marriage broker said.
"Don't bother," replied Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs. I am happy with that arrangement."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.
"I said 'two sisters," said Cohen, "I didn't say they were mine!"
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" the marriage broker said.
"Don't bother," replied Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs. I am happy with that arrangement."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.
"I said 'two sisters," said Cohen, "I didn't say they were mine!"
Sexual Relations
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those Viagra commercials the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
During one of those Viagra commercials the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
How We Got the 10 Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living"
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill," God said.
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the black Africans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Africans wanted an example, so the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And, like the others the Mexicans wanted an example.
The Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then he went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So finally He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free," God answered.
"We'll take 10."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living"
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill," God said.
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the black Africans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Africans wanted an example, so the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And, like the others the Mexicans wanted an example.
The Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then he went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So finally He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free," God answered.
"We'll take 10."
Diagnostic Marvel
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to his friend Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike tells him. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike tells him. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart
March 13, 2008
Duct Tapes Cures All ...
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to askher out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "when are you going out?"
"I met her the other evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it wearing the sheerest, tiniest, dress you ever saw."
"And then what happened?" asked Jeff.
Paul slumps back over the bar again and mutters, "I kicked her in the face."
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to askher out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "when are you going out?"
"I met her the other evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it wearing the sheerest, tiniest, dress you ever saw."
"And then what happened?" asked Jeff.
Paul slumps back over the bar again and mutters, "I kicked her in the face."
Atheist Professor
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, ”Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from the platform.
The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy ... He sent me."
Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, ”Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from the platform.
The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy ... He sent me."
March 09, 2008
Special Irish Pig
A young Irishman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks.
The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.
The man proceeded to say, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up . Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."
"Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special, so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "
"Well," said the young Irishman, "When you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once!"
The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.
The man proceeded to say, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up . Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."
"Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special, so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "
"Well," said the young Irishman, "When you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once!"
A Small Dose ...
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few. Maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few. Maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Powerful Liquid
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
After a little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
After a little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
Confession Time ...
Four ladies were sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we've been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But, don't worry I've not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we've been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third woman. "I too must confess I am a lesbian. But, do not worry. I'll not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends for too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up. "I've a confession to make. I am an uncontrollable gossip and I have some phone calls to make!"
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we've been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But, don't worry I've not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we've been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third woman. "I too must confess I am a lesbian. But, do not worry. I'll not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends for too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up. "I've a confession to make. I am an uncontrollable gossip and I have some phone calls to make!"
Big Game Hunter
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear."
Then he feltthe bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Magrifle." He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear."
Then he feltthe bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Magrifle." He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
Bear Alert
The Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Redmond, Snoqualmie and Carnation areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Brains ?
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom answered, "No honey, not yet."
Mom answered, "No honey, not yet."
Crisco
An older woman was wandering around the aisles of a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisco!"
Soon a store clerk approached and said, "Madam, the Crisco is in aisle 4."
The lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.
The woman explained, "Oh, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?" asked the clerk.
"Lard ass!"
Soon a store clerk approached and said, "Madam, the Crisco is in aisle 4."
The lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.
The woman explained, "Oh, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?" asked the clerk.
"Lard ass!"
Texas Quarters
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters.
"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. “The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux. But apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. “The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux. But apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
The Lottery Ticket
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet now do we?"
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet now do we?"
Hello Toes ....
An old sailor was celebrating 92 years on this Earth …
"Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today? Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today? Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little son of a gun... If you were alive today, you'd be 92 years old!"
"Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today? Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today? Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little son of a gun... If you were alive today, you'd be 92 years old!"
The Sex Doctor
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
Mr and Mrs Jones came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."
To Mr. Jones he said, “Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
To Mrs. Jones he said, "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr and Mrs Smith that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Smiths and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Afterwards he told the Smiths the bad news, "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Smiths pleaded with him and said, "You helped our friends the Jones, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Mr and Mrs Jones came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."
To Mr. Jones he said, “Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
To Mrs. Jones he said, "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr and Mrs Smith that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Smiths and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Afterwards he told the Smiths the bad news, "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Smiths pleaded with him and said, "You helped our friends the Jones, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Can We Just Ignore It?
At London's Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London, where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.
They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons.
Everything was going very well until suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire. So powerful that it shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
Finally, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore and says, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London, where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.
They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons.
Everything was going very well until suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire. So powerful that it shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
Finally, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore and says, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
March 07, 2008
The Old Sausage Trick ...
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me"
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson's Whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for these drinks."
Murphy replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks and Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Shamus was disturbed by the idea but was desperate enough to try anything.
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus told Murphy, “I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm dead drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me"
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson's Whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for these drinks."
Murphy replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks and Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Shamus was disturbed by the idea but was desperate enough to try anything.
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus told Murphy, “I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm dead drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
One of "Those" Questions
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say, 'Of course I will'."
"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"
Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say, 'Of course I will'."
"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"
March 06, 2008
The Mailman
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell, we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well, all the guys go in thebedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times."
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell, we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well, all the guys go in thebedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times."
March 05, 2008
Daily Affirmations
Here are a few Daily Affirmations that my be helpful ……
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
And the one that seemed the most important to us ……
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
And the one that seemed the most important to us ……
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
March 01, 2008
Invaded?
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from thePentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?" asked the President.
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?" asked the President.
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
Real Pearls?
Two older women, Colleen and Melinda, were rivals in a social circle.
They met at a Christmas party at their country club.
"My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Colleen.
"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Melinda.
Colleen returned the smile and said, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
They met at a Christmas party at their country club.
"My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Colleen.
"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Melinda.
Colleen returned the smile and said, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
Jewish Holiday
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she s going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light eight candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "that's Hanukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "that's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews. You're so good to your help."
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light eight candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "that's Hanukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "that's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews. You're so good to your help."
Redneck Painter
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object as she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have someplace to wipe his brushes.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object as she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have someplace to wipe his brushes.
Sorrowful Wife
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband Paddy passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father...."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She dropped her head and said, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'"
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband Paddy passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father...."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She dropped her head and said, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'"
Wasn't a Fair Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been runover by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A Poem of WOMAN
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then said to himself, "There's somethin' he's needin'."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth ....
......And ruined the whole damn thing.
Then said to himself, "There's somethin' he's needin'."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth ....
......And ruined the whole damn thing.
NOW it's Clear ...
A newlywed couple had only been married for a few weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to get out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy-coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar pretty face, to have a beer."
The wife says, "You want a beer, my love?" She opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries.
The husband didn't know what to do. The only thing that he could to say was, "Yes, but at the bar...you know...they have...frozen mugs."
He didn't get to finish the sentence. The wife interrupted him, saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She opened the freezer and handed him a frozen solid mug.
The husband, looking a bit pale said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won'tbe to long... I'll be right back...I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochy poo?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works.
"But sweetie, at the bar.. you know.. the guys are cussing and swearing."
The wife replies, "You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie? THENLISTEN UP, PECKERHEAD! DRINK YOUR FREAKIN’ BEER IN THIS DAMNED FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING OUT WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIENDS ANYMORE! YOU GOT THAT, ASSHOLE?"
"Where are you going, coochy-coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar pretty face, to have a beer."
The wife says, "You want a beer, my love?" She opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries.
The husband didn't know what to do. The only thing that he could to say was, "Yes, but at the bar...you know...they have...frozen mugs."
He didn't get to finish the sentence. The wife interrupted him, saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She opened the freezer and handed him a frozen solid mug.
The husband, looking a bit pale said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won'tbe to long... I'll be right back...I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochy poo?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works.
"But sweetie, at the bar.. you know.. the guys are cussing and swearing."
The wife replies, "You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie? THENLISTEN UP, PECKERHEAD! DRINK YOUR FREAKIN’ BEER IN THIS DAMNED FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING OUT WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIENDS ANYMORE! YOU GOT THAT, ASSHOLE?"
Where Is God?
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,"Where is God?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
His older brother found him in the closet and asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,"Where is God?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
His older brother found him in the closet and asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Nice Flowers
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
A Good Sermon
from George Burns ……
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
Temperance Sermon
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river too."
With his sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 - Shall We Gather at the River."
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river too."
With his sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 - Shall We Gather at the River."
Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"Why do you have a big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. Then he picked up a hammer and gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! ... it's ten past three in the morning!"
"Why do you have a big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. Then he picked up a hammer and gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! ... it's ten past three in the morning!"
Excuse Me ...
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he held it in for a little while because he did not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembered what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So, he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose."
And saying that, he leaps out of the sand box and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox, quite proud of himself.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
The little boy has to go pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he held it in for a little while because he did not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembered what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So, he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose."
And saying that, he leaps out of the sand box and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox, quite proud of himself.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
No Good Cat ...
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his house and leaving the animal in the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife and says, "Susan, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that no good thing on the phone. I'm lost and need directions.”
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife and says, "Susan, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that no good thing on the phone. I'm lost and need directions.”
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