A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she was unable to find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied politely, "No, ma'am, they're as big as they're gonna get. They're dead."
November 26, 2007
November 24, 2007
New Librarian
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to theLibrarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to theLibrarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
Getting Fat?
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," replied the little girl, “but what's growing in your butt?"
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," replied the little girl, “but what's growing in your butt?"
Time for Marriage?
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, peering over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, peering over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Nith Horth
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
"How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"
"How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"
Don't Brag ...
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
Does It Work?
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes, we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes, it does," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
With a straight face he responded, "I can if I take two."
"Yes, we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes, it does," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
With a straight face he responded, "I can if I take two."
Big Breaths
A doctor friend told us this story:
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
Just Don't Tell Him
A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."
Tell the Wife ...
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me," boasts Goldberg.
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The dead man’s wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me," boasts Goldberg.
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The dead man’s wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."
November 23, 2007
Free Sex
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The Redneck guessed eight and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.”
Some time thereafter, the same redneck, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time, and the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away the driver's buddy said, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The redneck explained to his friend, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The Redneck guessed eight and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.”
Some time thereafter, the same redneck, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time, and the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away the driver's buddy said, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The redneck explained to his friend, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Poor Boudreaux
A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. "I'm trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says.
To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck!
"Karate chop from China," the drunk says.
Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing.
The big man hits him again. "Judo form Japan."
Li'l ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer.
The man grabs him, putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea."
After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool, he walks out.
Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor.
Looking down at his tormentor, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck!
"Karate chop from China," the drunk says.
Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing.
The big man hits him again. "Judo form Japan."
Li'l ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer.
The man grabs him, putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea."
After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool, he walks out.
Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor.
Looking down at his tormentor, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
Still in Mourning
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten over her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at a luxurious resort.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night’s scenario is the same. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...... except that on his erection he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Finally, Sadie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at a luxurious resort.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night’s scenario is the same. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...... except that on his erection he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
This Can't Be
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician, Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" Doctor Cohen said confidently. "Its just rust."
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" Doctor Cohen said confidently. "Its just rust."
Careful Where You GO
Two married women went out one weekend without their husbands. Returning home right before dawn, both of them quite drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and using drunk logic, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to dry herself with, so she took off her panties and used them and then tossed them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to dry herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
The first one did not have anything to dry herself with, so she took off her panties and used them and then tossed them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to dry herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
November 21, 2007
November 18, 2007
November 17, 2007
Thanksgiving Poem
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING
WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK
BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN,
FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE,
FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY
AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS,
BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING
SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL
AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL -
PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING
WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK
BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN,
FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE,
FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY
AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS,
BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING
SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL
AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL -
PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
Thanksgiving for the First Jewish President
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Brooklyn, NY and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One foryou - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble at my age.
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle everything.
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln Bedroom!"
She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'l lcome."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Esther
Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"
Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"
Esther: "Yes."
Sylvia: "It's his brother."
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One foryou - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble at my age.
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle everything.
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln Bedroom!"
She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'l lcome."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Esther
Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"
Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"
Esther: "Yes."
Sylvia: "It's his brother."
November 13, 2007
Letter From a Marine
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Wal-Mart
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART, you ask …
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART, you ask …
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!
Did you know ...
-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (They didn't care about the dead fish.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (They didn't care about the dead fish.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Big-busted Organist
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said some-thing had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said some-thing had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Female Urologist
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The man, following her instructions says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"
Again, the guy says "99."
The doctor says, "Very good.
“Now then,” she says. “I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now... take a deep breath and say, 99."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "One ... Two ... three ...."
When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The man, following her instructions says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"
Again, the guy says "99."
The doctor says, "Very good.
“Now then,” she says. “I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now... take a deep breath and say, 99."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "One ... Two ... three ...."
November 11, 2007
Not My Fault
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no.” he says. “Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, “Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!” she screamed at him. “MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!
Jane looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot.." Steve stammered as he stood there weaving from side to side. "He shhhit in my pants, too."
"Oh, no.” he says. “Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, “Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!” she screamed at him. “MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!
Jane looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot.." Steve stammered as he stood there weaving from side to side. "He shhhit in my pants, too."
Fair Is Fair
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
A little confused she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He tells her, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers and says ‘Because it is Soooooo much cheaper to roll your own.’ So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
A little confused she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He tells her, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers and says ‘Because it is Soooooo much cheaper to roll your own.’ So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
I Know What You Want
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, are sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looks over and says to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looks surprised but doesn't say a word.
The old man continues, "For $10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there. But for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, she starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" asks the old man.
"Hell No!" replies the old babe. "I want it four times in the rocking chair."
The old lady looks surprised but doesn't say a word.
The old man continues, "For $10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there. But for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, she starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" asks the old man.
"Hell No!" replies the old babe. "I want it four times in the rocking chair."
Stay Away from the Pool
A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out.
When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
Drunk on a Bus
A drunk gets on to a bus and pointing to the middle of the bus starts yelling, “From here to the right, everybody is an asshole. From here to the left, everybody is a son of a bitch!”
One angry passenger stands and replies "Wait a minute! I am not an asshole!"
The drunk shouts back, "So move to the other side then!"
One angry passenger stands and replies "Wait a minute! I am not an asshole!"
The drunk shouts back, "So move to the other side then!"
Amish Wedding
An Amish couple had just been married and had gone to a hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He told the desk clerk that this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room.
The clerk asked if he wanted “the bridal.”
The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, “No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”
Good Answer
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis.Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
I R S
1. What do you say when you find 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
2. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
3. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
4. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite. The other is an insect.
Not enough cement.
2. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
3. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
4. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite. The other is an insect.
November 10, 2007
Productive Fishin' Trip
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else did. The other guys would only catch three or four a day, whereas Sam would usually get a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
You can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it into the lap of the game warden with these words, "Well, are you going to sit there or are you going to fish?"
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
You can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it into the lap of the game warden with these words, "Well, are you going to sit there or are you going to fish?"
Senior Sex
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Lasta week, my wife and I hada great sex. Ima rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we makea passionate love, and shesa screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Vell, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over mitt chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), ve mait lovf, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied,"What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"Simple," he told them. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The Italian man says, "Lasta week, my wife and I hada great sex. Ima rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we makea passionate love, and shesa screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Vell, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over mitt chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), ve mait lovf, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied,"What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"Simple," he told them. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Ask a Silly Question ...
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
Wife's Away
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury."That bitch!" he exclaims, "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Shirley and Marcy
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much. Being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys."
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
He Has a Plan
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "With the way you behave, how do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and told her, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Michael, come in or stay out!'"
The boy thought it over and told her, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Michael, come in or stay out!'"
Comfort from Mom
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't sweetie," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice that said, "The big sissy."
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't sweetie," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice that said, "The big sissy."
New York Traffic Court
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return again the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man looked up at the judge and said, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough money for two more words."
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return again the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man looked up at the judge and said, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough money for two more words."
Following Directions ...
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became obviously irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or some such thing, and then discussed your problem further with the doctor, in private."
The old man walked out, waited several minutes, and then reentered the room. The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, acknowledging he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
A Great Round with a Bonus
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.
The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do ... cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game."
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her backside as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
From that point on she proceeds to pound the men, paring every hole.
They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a BJ he will never forget."
The guys think, 'what a deal!'
The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster. You should aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says, "That's a Gimme."
The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do ... cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game."
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her backside as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
From that point on she proceeds to pound the men, paring every hole.
They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a BJ he will never forget."
The guys think, 'what a deal!'
The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster. You should aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says, "That's a Gimme."
Remember When ...
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "you used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!”
Feel Safe ?
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, and IRS.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their DEA, BATF, etc. black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs ... "FATASS"
We feel safer already...
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, and IRS.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their DEA, BATF, etc. black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs ... "FATASS"
We feel safer already...
Trouble in Bed
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink replied, "that's completely natural. I don'tsee what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
"My dear," the shrink replied, "that's completely natural. I don'tsee what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
Don't Do It
A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother andfather!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama farmer, wildly searching for something to say to this man, finally offered, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you stupid Yankee ... Jump!"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother andfather!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama farmer, wildly searching for something to say to this man, finally offered, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you stupid Yankee ... Jump!"
Let's Start With a Story
The prime minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. Prime Minister Sharon requests that he be allowed to begin with a story.
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The prime minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing. 'Who tookmy clothes?' Moses asked those around him. 'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- "
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replied the prime minister. "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The prime minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing. 'Who tookmy clothes?' Moses asked those around him. 'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- "
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replied the prime minister. "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
November 07, 2007
Heaven and Hell
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to
hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to
hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
No sex drive
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now and really enjoying myself."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I haven’t been home yet."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now and really enjoying myself."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I haven’t been home yet."
Drink away his sorrows
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey. The bartender pours him the drink and says, "That's quite a heavy drink. Are you trying to drink away a problem?"
After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him, "What did you do?"
The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the hell out."
“Good for you,” the bartender says. "That makes sense – but what about your best friend?"
The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ... 'BAD DOG!'"
After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him, "What did you do?"
The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the hell out."
“Good for you,” the bartender says. "That makes sense – but what about your best friend?"
The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ... 'BAD DOG!'"
Going home early
Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead announced that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead announced that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Praise
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating andthe doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation asthey imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and everymove caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performeda delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it inplace."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as theyimagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say,with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating andthe doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation asthey imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and everymove caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performeda delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it inplace."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as theyimagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say,with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!
November 06, 2007
How Old ?
Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was.
Grandpa answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
Grandpa answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
Which One to Use ?
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband, Dave, wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me, but I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco andCactus are private dining rooms."
Recently my husband, Dave, wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me, but I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco andCactus are private dining rooms."
Blonde Driver ?
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill told him.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in the drugstore with me."
One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill told him.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in the drugstore with me."
Take the Tests
A man returns home from work and finds his blonde wife overjoyed.
"Honey, I have some really great news I'm pregnant!" she shouted.
"That's great!", the man replied.
Then she said, "Oh, wait, there's more. We are going to have twins!Can you believe it?"
The man, in fact, couldn't believe it. "How could you know so soon?"he asked.
"Well", she said proudly, "I bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test and both tests came out positive!"
"Honey, I have some really great news I'm pregnant!" she shouted.
"That's great!", the man replied.
Then she said, "Oh, wait, there's more. We are going to have twins!Can you believe it?"
The man, in fact, couldn't believe it. "How could you know so soon?"he asked.
"Well", she said proudly, "I bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test and both tests came out positive!"
New Name for Hillary
Terrorist activity has caused the Democrats to take measures in order to protect their fair-haired candidate for the Presidency.
For Security Reasons, they have suggested that Hillary have a Muslim name. So, From this day forward, please refer to her by her new Muslim name ...
SELDOM BIN LAYED
For Security Reasons, they have suggested that Hillary have a Muslim name. So, From this day forward, please refer to her by her new Muslim name ...
SELDOM BIN LAYED
Men Prefer Guns ...
Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
November 03, 2007
November 02, 2007
Trade
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while the boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I don't even remember how to curse."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that starter rope. It'll come back to ya!”
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while the boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I don't even remember how to curse."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that starter rope. It'll come back to ya!”
The Garden
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
In his heart
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn't take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"
"Why, Dad," said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"
"Well, next time," roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
"Why, Dad," said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"
"Well, next time," roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Little Johnny Counts Red Hats
Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along.
Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny. "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."
An excited Little Johnny agreed.
Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents' bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."
Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny. "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."
An excited Little Johnny agreed.
Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents' bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."
Pedestrians
Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
In A Cup
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said, “Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Sister," spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said Sister Marie. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!"
"OK," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed. "I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?'
"My God," said the barman, "that nun's not outside again is she?"
"Hang on, Sister," spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said Sister Marie. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!"
"OK," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed. "I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?'
"My God," said the barman, "that nun's not outside again is she?"
Throw Out The Dog
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.
"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"
"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"
New Roof
The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services. About a week later,the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.
Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure, Father." said Mike. " I've written to them."
Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure, Father." said Mike. " I've written to them."
10 Signs
Top 10 Signs That Your Son Has Grown Too Old For Breast Feeding
10.He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
10.He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
November 01, 2007
Worried Sick
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the old lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Oh, yes, they are taking very good care of me," she reported.
"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the old lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Oh, yes, they are taking very good care of me," she reported.
"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
Big Mac
A father took his 5-year-old son, Jacob, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys night out."
As they were eating their Big Macs, Jacob asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
The Dad responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat.
The boy was quiet for a couple of minutes and was obviously in deep thought.
Finally, Jacob looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough Big Macs to last forever."
As they were eating their Big Macs, Jacob asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
The Dad responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat.
The boy was quiet for a couple of minutes and was obviously in deep thought.
Finally, Jacob looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough Big Macs to last forever."
Pastor's Raise
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher’s additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen.”
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher’s additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen.”
New Drink
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
One for me, one for you....
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[ Do they ever read what they write?]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[ Do they ever read what they write?]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
All claim Jesus as a part of their race ...
My theory is that Jesus was a white Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.
A black friend of mine had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
A Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
An Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
A good Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my wife had the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was really a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.
A black friend of mine had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
A Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
An Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
A good Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my wife had the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was really a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
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