April 27, 2008

Understand ?


The lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,"Your's is."

Show Some Respect ....


An office was walking to the PX when he stopped a soldier saying, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

"Sure, buddy," replied the enlisted man.

"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" said the officer.

Pulling his shoulders back he said, "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Coming to attention the enlisted man responded, "No, SIR!"

I am, of course, Superior ...


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

New Docs in Town ...


Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable to the Council either.

In an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go.

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal Retentives."

Still not good.

How about "Minds and Behinds"?

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes."

Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", "Loons and Moons," work either.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"

New TV Program

Hear about the new gay sitcom?

"Leave it ... It's Beaver"

Why Did You Marry Me?


During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.

"I was just stupid," I teased.

When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

A Baptist Bra ...

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City.

He told the sales lady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the sales lady asked? "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist Bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

The clerk replied, "The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of mole-hills."


Old Bob & the New Wife

The banker saw his old friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked him if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Old Bob proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Old Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Bob proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out,continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Old Bob said, "She's pregnant too."

Moral of the story: Don't ever underestimate old geezers.

Ole and Lena ...

We haven’t had a good Ole and Lena story lately, so let’s catch up with this wonderful Swedish-American couple ……

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!"

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy. The doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat great!"

Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and he said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too....

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself anudder boy!"

Ole was absolutely flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their three children home in the self propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the frst try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn'tget the WD-40!"

After the Mower Broke ...

When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the 'message' never sank in.

Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. After a few moments he came out again.

He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "You might as well sweep the drive-way."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while before all the casts come off.

April 26, 2008

What Does It Smell Like?

Here's one that dates back to the '04 election ...

George W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. Both barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you, sir?"

Bush replied, " Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

April 25, 2008

The New Generation

  • The Silent Generation, people born before 1945

  • The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961

  • Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976

  • Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989

But why are they called Generation Y .......



April 21, 2008

Hillary's Wonder Drug




(Click to Enlarge)

Interview at the Western Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

When she reached the Western Wall … there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly.

She approached him for an interview and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?”

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years," he tells her.

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" the CNN reporter asks.

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" the reporter asked.

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

Hello .....

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level and he noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy without gear joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went down 25 feet more, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk board set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written and wrote, "You moron ... I'm drowning!”

The Rules

Rules if Bar Drinking:

1) If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. But, if she buys you a drink, she likes you.

2) If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

3) After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

4) If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar …Preferably during happy hour.

Test the Water

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day.

Another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. Surprised at the size of the fellow’s catch one of the buddies says, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are tons of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

His buddy dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.Still salty," he announces.

Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."

One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the first fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."

A Brave Thing to do ...

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York TIMES reporter has seen the entire scene, and addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right," said the biker.

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?" asked the reporter.

"My bike is a Harley Davidson and I am a Republican."

The journalist makes a few notes and then leaves.

The following morning the biker buys a copy of The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions. On the front page he reads, Biker Gang Member Assaults AFRICAN IMMIGRANT And Steals His Lunch.

April 20, 2008

Wrong Side of the Bed

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you.”

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica. May God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that I got up on the wrong side of the bed.”

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

Unwise Bet ...

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along … I'll marry them."

Almost a Sin ?

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

Story With a Moral


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Ads from Ireland

We are told that the following are actual ads taken from a Dublin newspaper ...

Wanted: good woman to sew, cook, dig worms and clean fish. Must have boat with motor. Please include picture of boat.

~~~~~

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

~~~~~

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.


On the Seventh Day HE Rested

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired ofGod. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed down-wards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Church Visit ...

Just moved to town, Gladys Dunn decided that the first Sunday she'd visit the church nearest to her new apartment.

She found herself in a pretty sanctuary, and as the service began, she enjoyed the music offered by the choir. But when the sermon began, it went on and on and on. In fact it was without substance and not at all interesting.

Glancing around, she noticed that many in the congregation were nodding off, not even trying to stay awake.

Finally it was over, though, and people stood up for the final hymn. After the service, to be social, she turned to the still sleepy looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

The gentleman replied, "You and me both!"

Now That I'm Retired ...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a name.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.........my car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Elect Hillary Clinton" bumper sticker on it.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

April 19, 2008

Tie Me Up ....

This next one came from a “older” retired fellow in Arizona ……

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went out to play golf.

Marry a Greek?


A young Jewish woman comes home and tells her parents she is in love and she plans to get married with Greek man. She wondered if they might not approve because he's not her religion.

"You're right," the parents say. "We don't approve."

"But he has two billion dollars," she says.

"Well …… that's different," the parents tell her.

One month after the wedding the young woman comes to her parent's home and says she wants to get a divorce. "All he is interested in is anal sex. My touchas used to be the size of a dime," she says. "Now it's the size of half a dollar."

"This Greek man is a billionaire," her parents say, "and you want to divorce him over just forty cents?"

Tell Me How Many

A west Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Apple notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Blackberry that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my critter?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. And you don't know anything about my business ... Now give me back my dog."

Big as the Grill

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day, when he looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue"

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right. Your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

The wife chose to ignore the husband knowing that "payback" was going to be good.

Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

April 15, 2008

Did You Have an Accident?

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.


April 14, 2008

Wonderful New Machine

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, sonny, because my electricity was cut off this morning."

Desend Into Hell

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received.

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.

When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck and no amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

A student in the balcony stood and yelled, "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

No Excuses ...

A high school English teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that's it. No other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

April 13, 2008

Jewish Rowing

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race.

They practiced and practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the Rosh Yeshiva (the Yeshiva head) decided to send Yankel to spy on the championship Harvard team. So, Yankel schlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bushes of the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.

After two weeks Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced.

"What? Tell us what," they all wanted to know.

"We should have only one guy shouting; the other eight should row."

April 06, 2008

Hillary Stamp


The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.


Special Occasion Napkins


We are going to guess that some of you are going to be too young to have any idea what this next story is all about. So if you find that you “don’t get it,” please find a woman over 50 and see if you can get a little help ……

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old. One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet and then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a Kotex Sanitary napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

No "I" in TEAM


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Sad Proposal


A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Another True Story ...


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons and I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Investment Program

We received this message from a man who felt it important to give us some financial advice. You will note that his stock choices are a little old ... but you will get the point ...


If you had bought $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my 401-Keg program.

Un-PC Genies

(Funn-E-Stuff is very un-PC)


A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door.

He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.

As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it. I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Take Your Daughter to Work

A man comes home with his little daughter whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

More Words to Live By ...

When the going gets tough ...

The tough take a coffee break.

The Rabbi & the IRS

The Internal Revenue Service sends an auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service"

"Internal Revenue?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue ... and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Genie in a Bag

A redneck walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get him?" asks the bartender.

The redneck responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know" says the redneck, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Words to Live By ...

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Smart Dentist

A man goes to his dentist's with tooth pain.

After the dentist examines him he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

April 05, 2008

Shingles

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Buford said, “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, “Shingles.”

So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an ECG and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, “Shingles.”

The doctor looked at his naked body and asked, “Where?”

Buford said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”

April 04, 2008

Astonishing Performance

A man set his pet alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed ... In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator’s mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over he crowd. But, after a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up .... “I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard!”

April 03, 2008

Historical Question

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand?"

Copy Cat ?

TEACHER: “Desmond, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?”

DESMOND: “No, teacher, it's the same dog!”

In 50 Years

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done when in walks a young chick with a very low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob.

One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket..."

Family Disgrace ...

A young blonde girl was going on a date.

Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.

"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

April 02, 2008

What a Woman Likes ...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

Look for the Nail ...

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives.

Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

What Do You Call ...

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?

Invisible

April 01, 2008

Accept My Wine

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.

She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads, "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it reads, "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage, and I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!"

Two Blondes on the Bus

Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door...

One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."

The other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"