July 29, 2018
Things it took me too long to learn...
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
5. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
July 18, 2018
OMG!
“So, I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
My friend told me that he had that done when he was a few days old.
I asked him "Does it hurt?"
He said, " Well I couldn't walk for a year."
July 17, 2018
Age Outwits Youth
The muscular young
man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat
of strength. He made a particular
point of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he
said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in
a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel
back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
"Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right,
Dumb Ass, get in."
Too Hot!
“It's just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack said as
he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Oh,” she said as her eyes roamed over his wet and naked
body, “They’ll probably think that I married you for your money.”
That's One Way to Look at It
A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has a habit
of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor gave the woman his
“I know just what to do” grin and answered, "Give him an opportunity to
speak when he's awake."
Interacting Sportmen
My husband was water skiing one summer when he fell
into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter
sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.
My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
It Must Be True
Strolling through a bookstore,
a prospective husband asked a clerk, "Do you have a book called ‘Husband –
the Master of the House?’"
Pointing toward the stairs, the sales girl said,
"Sir, fiction, and comics are on the
1st floor!"
July 12, 2018
July 10, 2018
July 08, 2018
Have You Seen It?
The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents. As it turned out, drivers were losing control and running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant vagina displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous mobile pubis and came upon the tracks of a young art student named Nelly Node. Nelly's passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the enlarged photo on her Volkswagen Beetle.
Nelly was preparing for her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design.
She was proudly driving her 'vaginal beetle' until the CHP arrested the woman. The court ruled that Nelly's car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. The girl had to paint over her car's hood.
Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.
She, obviously, "muffed" her chance at fame. Thank god it got "snatched" off the road by the "fuzz" before someone else had a needless "crack" up.
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