At Last ...

State of the Union Message

It's all Bush's fault ...

May I help you?

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

Happy New Year?

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a New Year's Eve party.

When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" he asked.

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Three Nuns at a Hocky Game

Three nuns were attending a hockey game.

Three men were sitting directly behind them.

Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Idaho. There are only 100 Nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 Nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Utah. There are only 25 Nuns living there."

One of the Nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell. There aren't any nuns there.”

Parking Lot Scam

As a public service we pass on the following piece submitted by a reader somewhere east of Seattle. He gave us this “heads up” to a scam he discovered near his home. It is probably a Christmas parking lot scam ...

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here'show the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 23-24 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th and 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

Thoughtful Sniper

A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when the bad guy stood up to reply ... BANG! ... one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask, "How many insurgents have you shot today?" and the soldier will pass on the count. However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed the sniper reported, "Five killed and I let one go."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Bastard!’ Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Nancy Pelosi is a Bitch!' And, I’m sorry sir, but I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"