Be Careful!

 

What of Igor?

 

He Makes A Good Point

 

That Solves the Problem

 

A Ukrainian Dream

 

Not Mr. Harris Again!

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

That's A Revolting Development

 

This Explains a Lot!

 

She'll Never Go Hungry

 

It's 5:00 Somewhere

 

Just Juggle These

 

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-10 about 62 miles west of Kerrville Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to West Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Ingram Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

Hello, Mr. Dunham

 

Said No Woman Ever

 

Nothing Better Than Togetherness

 

The Next Time You Need an Insult

 

Thank You, Joe

 

OMG!

 

The Definition of 'Overkill'

 

The Advantage of Smart Cars

 

Bedtime At The Clinton's

 

Me And My Statue

 

Congratulations

 

Drink 'Til You Want Me

 

Aging Truths

 

Reading can seriously damage your ignorance

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.

“The starting pay is $40,000. 

Later it can go up to $80,000.”

“Great, I’ll start later.”

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes, and no one asks what is wrong with you.

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5. 

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate one of those either.

If you see me talking to myself just move along. 

I’m self-employed.

We’re having a meeting.

I envy people who grow old gracefully. 

They age like a fine wine.

I’m aging like milk, getting sour and chunky.

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym only to walk on a treadmill?

What Joe Told Jimmy Carter

 

Here's An Idea

 

Only In Canada

 

What We Expect From Don Lemon

 

Not What I Need!

 

Thoughts From The Vet

 

You Know What Day It Is!