March 31, 2021
March 30, 2021
March 29, 2021
OMG! I've Killed the Bunny!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side
of the road and pulls over. She steps
out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns
around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to
the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns
the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
I Like Hores!
A school teacher once a month has a “sticker day.” She
gives each child a sticker and asks them to write a story about it. On this day
she gave a little boy a sticker with a horse on it, his story is below. As you
can imagine he misspelled the word which changed the context of the story
completely!
March 26, 2021
Great Quotes From Sports
"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations.
"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately, it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery.
"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles.
"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
March 24, 2021
March 21, 2021
March 20, 2021
She's Very Expensive
The madam opened the door in an exclusive New York City brothel and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed and good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $10,000 in cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still $10,000.
Again, the man pulled the money out of his briefcase, gave it to Valerie and
they went upstairs. After an hour, he
left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a
third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?"
The man replied, "Pittsburgh.”
"Really", she said. "I have family in Pittsburgh."
"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her
lawyer. I was instructed to deliver your
$30,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
March 17, 2021
St. Paddy's Day Humor
The rain was pouring down and standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, can’t resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth," says the old man.
Poor Joe
During a dull DNC dinner, First Lady Jill Biden leaned over to chat with Chuck Schumer. "I bought Joe a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart. Joe has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
"That’s very impressive," said Chuck, "But you do realize he just speaks the words? He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”
“Oh, I know,” replied Dr. Biden, "But neither does the parrot.”
March 14, 2021
March 12, 2021
March 09, 2021
March 08, 2021
March 06, 2021
March 03, 2021
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