In Honor of Memorial Day

There was a Marine deployed in Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up. Not that sending this fighting Jarhead a “Dear John” letter wasn’t bad enough, she also wanted the picture of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of naked women to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Story With A Moral

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way, they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other, and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way, they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is… Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

USO Tour

The showgirls had entertained the troops all afternoon at a remote army base. After the performance, the major asked, "Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers?"

"It doesn't matter," one bold girl replied. "But we would like something to eat first."

Old West Analysis

This is an “Old West” analysis and summary of the Mueller report and Congress’ efforts in one sentence:

"While we recognize that the subject did not actually steal any horses, he is obviously guilty of trying to resist being hanged for it."

Nuff said.

The Opposite Of...

Three aspiring psychiatrists from three leading universities were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness'" said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texas A&M student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

A Curmudgeon's Perspective

From a Senior's point of view:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying we remove all the warning labels and the problem will work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,495 days in a row.

8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

How Was the Wedding?

“So, how did the wedding go?" I asked my workmate, Akeem, on his return to the factory today.

"Not too good, actually," Akeem replied, solemnly. "My new bride died at the reception."

"Holy crap! What happened?" I asked. "Did she blow herself up over the gifts or something?"

"Oh f...k you! F...K YOU!!  How dare you say something like that about her, about me, and frankly, about Muslim culture? We're not all barbarians who would do such awful shit like that. We're a tolerant and peaceful religion and deserve some f...king respect."

"Look, Akeem, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so prejudiced, forgive me," I groveled. "So how did she pass away?"

"We stoned her for drinking alcohol."

Packaging That Would Never Be Approved in the USA

Ummmm... No

Advertising For Seniors

These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious voluptuous blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.

Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock, still want to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and always enjoy playing the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair.
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Just a Senior Attitude

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Just a Misunderstanding

For those who haven't heard, several years ago, Washington State passed new laws to allow gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.”

Evidently, we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

What NOT to Say

Just to be Technical

Life is Good When You're a Puppy

What Can You Give Me For It?

A cowboy walked into a drug store in northeast Oklahoma and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and she and her sister owned the store.  She explained to the cowboy that there were no males employed there. She asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female druggist assured him that she was utterly qualified and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but, you see, I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We’ve discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:  A third ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses.”

Looks Like a Whiff to Me!

His Last Request?

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

The Father says, “So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me child, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

Looking at her shoes, Mary said, “He said, Please Mary, put down that gun.”

You Just Can't!

Live to Eternity

Paddy Got a Beatin'

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.

“Aye, now. What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Michael O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little skinny O’Connor?” says Sean, “How could he do that to you?  He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,’ says Sean, “You should have defended yourself the same. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast was in my hand. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.”

Ain't He Clever?

Earth Friendly

Boredom

Just Whisper in Her Ear

Democrat Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is on a plane in economy class going to DC. She gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She tells the Congresswoman that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

Cortez replies, "I'm a Democrat, I'm socialist, I'm beautiful, I'm going to DC and I'm staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a Democrat sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to Cortez and tries to explain that, because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave first class and return to economy.

Cortez replies, "I'm a Democrat, I'm beautiful, I'm socialist, I'm going to DC and I'm staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the Congresswoman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a socialist Democrat? I'll handle this. I'm married to a liberal. I speak socialist."

He goes back to the Democrat and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry.", then gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to her to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, First class isn’t going to D.C.”

Line Up Fellas!

Wow! Look at that!