Confucius Said...

You know there are hundreds of ‘Confucius Said’ jokes. You’ve been hearing them since you were a child. Today we bring you a few more that carry the title, “What CONFUCIUS Nearly Said.”


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.


Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.


Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.


It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Use What You've Got

Breaking news:  The Chicago Police Department has removed all sirens from police cars. The sirens have been replaced by loud speakers that blast out the national anthem. This forces suspects to stop running and take a knee. 

Arrests are up 140%.

That Little Voice...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, “Dave, don't worry about it.  You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single. Just let it go, Dave.”

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, “Dave… You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”

Good Advice

Listening to the Pastor on Sunday we were reminded of the famous quote…

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

A Blast from the Past

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in one of her husband's dresser drawers so she had it made into a print.
 
She was pleasantly surprised to see that it was of her at a much younger, slimmer time. It was taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband as he was holding her in his arms beside an automobile.

When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.

"Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation…
"THAT’S MY OLD FORD!”

Dear Santa...

A young girl wrote a simple letter to Santa,

"Dear Santa. Please send me a baby brother."

Santa wrote back … 

"Send me your mama ..."

Always Plan Ahead

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket.

 

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.  So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Thinking of His Wife...

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom "Is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Fake News

Millennial Blond Conundrum